June 26, 2015
We get this question almost as frequently as our grandmas ask why we’re not engaged yet (no, I’m not a lesbian). Whenever anyone asks what our plans for the future are we must resist the urge to slap them in the face and say something like, “I don’t even know what I’m having for dinner later. How the fuck am I supposed to know what I want to do with my life for the next 40 years?”
While it may be tempting to ask them a probing question back like, “Have you stopped your Weight Watchers regime?” you should resist because this will just give this fuck boy the satisfaction that so many get when they think they’re superior because they have their career path mapped out. We’d call it boring, but to them having this certainty is as important to their self-confidence as having time to get your nails done before you go out is to you. Some may say we don’t have our priorities in line and to that we’d say at least we’re attractive enough to not need to.
Here are the top 10 best responses to the people who are curious AF and want to know so much about us that they probably should sign up for an interview slot and hire Annie Leibovitz to take the photos.
1. “I’m just exploring my options at the moment.”
Options being what to buy for a chaser tonight.
2. “I have so many different passions, I can’t decide which one will suit me best.”
Not sure which bro will make the most money in 10 years TBH.
3. “I’m considering graduate school.”
More time to exploit the golden years and live like a college student.
4. “Right now I’m focusing on my health.”
I have a really bad hangover, can you fuck off?
5. “I applied for a lot of internships to really get a taste of the industry.”
Internship and industry are both really sophisticated-sounding words so take a hint.
6. “I’m networking via LinkedIn to expand my opportunities.”
I’m stalking all the people I know from high school to see what kind of bullshit they’re putting on their profiles.
7. “I am interested in traveling before settling down.”
I want to blackout in every European country before I have a 401k.
8. “I’m working for my father.”
He lets me come in at 11 every morning and that’s good enough for me. Don’t follow up and ask me what he does because I have no fucking clue except that he earns enough to buy me a new David Yurman bracelet every Christmas.
9. “I feel like we have so much to learn from children.”
I’ll pop out a few babies and call it a day.
10. “I really have no clue.”
I could not give less of a shit about what you’re saying if you paid me.