March 28, 2014
We already covered how to fight with your roommate like a betch, but what happens once the fight is over and you’ve agreed to go back to being
friends barely tolerant of one another? That fight basically took up your weekly allotment of energy so it stands to reason you need to survive at least another few months before the passive aggressive notes start resurfacing. The best way to do that is figure out what you do that’s annoying, which shouldn’t be hard since it’s literally spelled out for you on a post-it stuck to the fridge, and cut it out.
Unfortunately some people are fucking oblivious to just how insufferable they are, no matter how many times I tell them to quit yelling on Skype at 4 in the goddamn morning on a Monday, or that you can’t just leave a spoiled carton of milk in the middle of the floor for DAYS in the hopes that the magical trash fairy will take it to the dumpster that we live literally right next to, btw.
More signs you’re being oblivious and horrible to live with…
1. You and your roomie used to be friends or at least acquaintances who mentioned last night’s Bachelor in passing. Now she’s basically stopped talking to you. If you run into her in the apartment she’ll say a polite hi before running up to her room or dramatically whipping out her phone for an obviously fake phone call. Yeah, betch has spent so many hours planning various revenge plots that she’s afraid her face will give it away if you have a prolonged convo.
2. You’re currently involved in a high-stakes game of chicken to determine who takes out the trash next, and you’re pretty sure you’re winning.
3. You can’t remember the last time you bought toilet paper.
4. You lose your keys as often as you lose your iPhone, but like, those locks were going out of style anyway and it’s about time somebody changed them.
5. Your philosophy for paying rent is, as long as they haven’t sent loan sharks after you, you’re probably good for it.
6. Your roommate has stopped getting up in the middle of the night to knock on your door and tell you you’re being loud af and just texts you instead. Watch the fuck out if this happens because her next logical step is to hold an extremely noisy gang-bang when she knows you’re studying.
7. You haven’t seen your roomie in so long you’re actually starting to wonder if she moved out. Again, she’s avoiding you harder than you avoid gluten. Or she actually moved out without telling you in which case, you are now the proud recipient of the Worst Roommate of the Year Award. You can put that right next to the pile of smelly laundry under your bed and that goldfish you haven’t fed in a week.
8. You saw her post on Facebook asking if anyone was looking for a roommate, effective immediately, but your lease isn’t up for 5 more months.
9. You get home one day and all your stuff is conveniently boxed up and being loaded into a moving truck.
10. You’re driving down the highway and you spot a billboard with your face plastered on it that says, “THIS GIRL IS A SHITTY ROOMMATE!”
If any of these are you, you should prob shape up real quick because I can bet at least one of your roommates has looked up the penalty for murder in your state.