August 13, 2014
For the betches of the Class of 2018, get ready to be the envy of every frat guy and SWUB (Senior Washed Up Betch). You’re like the new shiny toy all the frat boys want to play with. Like if college was an MTV Challenge you all are the fresh meat. Anyway enough analogies, in addition to sweaty frat makeout sessions (more on those later), your freshman year is also characterized by many, many mistakes. Take our advice and maybe you’ll avoid the Freshman 15 Minutes of Shame.
1. People can see you when you’re “dancing” with your groin attached to some frat bro’s and your lips are suctioned together. Although it seems obvious, when you’re wasted in the middle of the dance floor with the frat star of your dreams, it’s easy to forget that people are watching, and might be judging. JSYK.
2. Don’t drink the Everclear. Seriously. 10/10 times in my life I have blacked out, thrown up, and lost my ability to walk, Everclear has been the culprit. Trust me when I say nothing good will ever come from drinking Everclear.
3. Just because something is unlimited doesn’t mean you should consume it in limitless amounts – the dining hall is not your friend. Whether it’s pizza, Diet Coke, or even hummus, eating unlimited quantities of anything except air is going to make you put on 15 pounds.
4. Find out where the library is, so you know to avoid it.
5. Also find out where the gym is, and don’t avoid it. (See above)
6. Get your fake before you go to school. Otherwise, good luck rolling up at the bar with the same fake Florida ID literally half the freshman class has.
7. You can never have too many tanks. Remember that.
8. You probably don’t need a printer. You just need a friend with a printer. Sure I used one in college, but when I wasn't spending $6 million on ink cartridges it sat collecting dust and taking up valuable space. Which it continues to do since I've used it exactly 0 times since graduation.
9. Every other girl will be wearing a crop top and high-waisted shorts on her first day of orientation. Don’t be that bitch. Protip: Bros love sundresses.
10. Bring some ridiculous, costumey shit (like neon spandex) with you because you never know when the next theme party will be. Actually, you do know. It’s tomorrow. You’ve been warned.