May 7, 2015
It’s that time of the year again. Not only do you have to get your shit together and bring your grades up so your parents don’t threaten to kill to you for wasting another $20,000 of their money (not counting how much you spent on Burnett’s), but you also have to face the reality that another year in college is over.
Wave goodbye to your college town where doing dumb shit daily is the expectation and being sober is as rare as meeting a frat guy who doesn’t have a dad body. Welcome back doing stupid shit at home, which isn’t nearly as fun since your parents will now question your alcohol intake and your roommates won’t be there to ease your Sunday morning regrets.
This may seem like the end of the world and you may be tempted to fall into a downward spiral of depression, but remind yourself you are not Lindsay Lohan and being sad isn’t a good look for a betch so buy a bottle of wine and look at the fucking bright side.
Here’s a list of things to look forward to and ultimately save you from crying all the way back to Long Island/Bergen County/Pennsylvania in the luxury car your dad really shouldn’t have bought you considering your 2.0 GPA.
So while it’s really sad that you have to leave all of your favorite activities and people behind for 2 months, don’t look at it as missing something, but gaining something else instead. Remember: you’re only as sad as how many days you’ve been sober so don’t let that exceed three or you’ll start to get wrinkles.