March 26, 2014
1. “Why aren’t you dating anyone? You know, I met your mother when I was 21…” May I kindly introduce you to the phrase, “hookup culture?” It’s real, and it’s happening right now. Also, grandpa (or dad/Aunt Jill/random lady behind me on the checkout line at Whole Foods), when you were 21 you also watched TV in black and white and used a typewriter, so it’s safe to say times have changed since then. Plus do you really want me to marry my senior year bootycall with whom I can recall like a total of 6 actual conversations? Cause that’s who I was “seeing” when I was 21.
2. “Oh, so you blog/do consulting/live off your trust fund/wear army pants and flip flops. Is that what you plan to do for the rest of your life?” Okay, I swear just last year everyone was saying, “Oh you don’t have to have it all figured out. You’ve got time.” Now all of a sudden I’m supposed to have a 5-year plan?
3. “Text me and we’ll hook up at the mall later.” You’re killing me, smalls! Please just say “meet up” like everyone else. You’re coordinating a general meet-up. It doesn’t need to sound “hip.”
4. “You’re all lazy and entitled.” Entitled, maybe, but lazy? Do you understand how much scheming actually goes into what I do on the daily? Clearly not. It’s not like I sat on my couch eating Cheetos; I actually had to like, get dressed into business casual, and be fake nice to Todd until he agreed to make this Excel spreadsheet for me.
5. “You don’t know how to talk to each other since all you do is communicate through a screen.” You do realize this literally makes no sense, right? Like just because I know how to text I’ve all of a sudden forgot how to use my vocal cords?
6. “Are you keeping a budget?” Lol, a what?
7. “When are you getting engaged?” ….when I’ve been in an LTR and my boyfriend gets down on one knee with a ring, fucking duh.
8. “I love y’all and I’mma let you finish but the millennials are the worst generation of all time…of all time.” Okay easy on the superlatives, Kanye. Hearing our generation is “the worst ever” is like hearing “you really need to stop racking up your phone bill” in that it happens so often it really doesn’t faze me. Our generation is not the first to be criticized by generations past, not even close. Like obv no one’s parents were happy when Elvis started making Rock & Roll aka “the Devil’s music” or when Janis Joplin and Jimi Hendrix made dying at age 30 the cool thing to do. It’s time to stop acting like this is the first time old people have thrown shade at “the youths.”
9. “So does your job get you a 401K?” If that has something to do with karats, I already covered the topic of engagement, thanks.
10. “Your generation doesn’t know how to problem solve.” Here’s an example of a problem I solve almost weekly. Problem: Realize I’m out of weed. Solution: Call up my dealer and have him hand-deliver it to me. Problem solved.
11. “You’ve all been coddled too much into thinking you’re all special.” Tbh I don’t see what the big deal is. So we have a few extra Azalea Banks’s running around. Worse things have happened, like oh I don’t know, completely drying up all the money in Social Security so no one else can fucking use it.
12. “Thanks for totally throwing the economy down the crapper.” Yeah and thanks for making it that much harder for the rest of the population to be betchy grandmas. Actually on second thought I’m marrying a rich pro with a sick life insurance policy, so you can have your Social Security.
13. “Have you tried online dating?” Ugh, yes. You might think all it takes is a simple Match.com profile and personality survey to find The One, but in reality, Ted Mosby, it’s more complicated than Selena & Beibs’ relationship status, which I’m sure you wouldn’t know anything about.
14. “Ohh, why don’t I set you up with—“ Stop. Stop right now, thank you very much. I need somebody with a disposable income and two distinct eyebrows so no, I do not want to go out with your mah jongg pal’s grandson.
15. “Explain to me what twerking is.” It’s when you magically acquire that memory zapper thing from Men in Black so we can forget this convo ever happened.
16. “So you majored in Linguistics/Comparative Lit/Anything that isn’t Pre-Med or Business…are you going to go back to school?” Yep, right after I win the fucking lottery and magically lose all interest in maintaining an interesting social life #thanksbutnothanks
17. “When are you going to start your REAL career?” Prob when Leo’s dreidel stops spinning and Michael Caine realizes it wasn’t a dream after all because clearly up until this point I’ve been living in a fake world with a fake career.
18. “Eat what you want now, while you still can.” I’ll stop eating sushi, froyo, and iced coffee when Anne Hathaway stops being annoying af which according to my calculations will be the 35th of Neveruary.
19. “Why did you move back in with your parents?” Because free shit.
20. “Add me on Facebook!” If you’re in my extended family trust me when I say me denying your friend request is for your own good.
21. “These are the best years of your life.” I can tell, just by looking at you.
To all the 20-somethings reading this: you are not alone. Pop a xan and relax, it’s like the great philosopher Will Smith once said, “Parents just don’t understand.” And to all our elders reading this, first of all props on trying to stay #relevant, and also quit annoying the fuck out of us if you don’t want to spend the end of your life in a shitty nursing home.