232. Having a Fast Metabolism

By Sgt. Olivia Betchson

If you’re a betch, you’re super skinny. If you’re skinny, people probably tell you that you should “eat a sandwich” because you “look like you don’t eat.” Betches do eat, obviously. Food is the essence of life (and wetness is the essence of beauty). The reason betches are able to stay skinny despite the fact that we eat strawberry froyo like it’s our daily servings of fruit, and our workout consists of shopping or maybe the elliptical, is because we were #blessed with fast metabolisms.

Aside from just being something we thank God and our parents for every day, having a fast metabolism is often a topic of conversation. Usually it will come in the form of jealous nice girls asking you about what diet you're on. Um, the tequila diet? “WTF I literally ate only salad and fruit salad for the past month and I haven’t dropped any weight!” This is when you casually break out the, “Oh, yeah, I just have a fast metabolism, I guess.” Shrug life.

Note: Don’t be that smug bitch who adds, “I can just eat whatever I want and not gain weight!” If you say this, everyone will hate you. You probably also eat super slow so you only actually eat 2 bites of “whatever you want” and don’t gain weight cause no one gains weight off of 2 bites. At least, that’s what I tell myself when there are cake pops.

Otherwise, feel free to tell the haters about the #struggle of being able to burn calories quickly while not putting in any work, while everyone else looks on in jealousy. I’m sorry that people are jealous of me…but I can’t help that I’m so skinny.




Powered by Disqus




Forgot Your Password?

Create new account

User login