December 12, 2011
After seeing a preview for this movie we were like, shit this is fucking perfect, a movie about a thirty-something betch still acting betchy? That like, never happens. Usually we get stuck watching Katherine Heigl portray a pathetic whiny nice girl.
But now that we saw it we were like, shit this is fucking scary. Not only was Charlize Theron a complete psychopath old BSCB, but there was a frightening realization for us: getting married is not the most important lesson of growing up, staying fucking married is.
The beginning of the movie was amazing and still holds a place in our hearts. It starts with Char passed out after blacking out the night before. Betchy. Then she wakes up looking like a hot mess (check), chugs Diet Coke to hydrate (double check), puts on her Uggs and feeds her little dog (fucking bingo.) We were just in shock and convinced the script was gilded, we didn't even have to finish watching it!
No, but seriously, we should have just stopped watching. It was a quality movie by "cinematic" standards but Charlize's behavior in a lot of the scenes made us cringe, and not in the way iced coffee tastes after the ice has melted. It can be compared to watching fat people have sex.
The movie took a turn when we found out that Charlize's character's name is Mavis. Yeah, we're not kidding. Okay we get it Jason Reitman, you like weird names almost as much as you like yourself. We were cool with Juno but Mavis? What, her parents named her after the truck she was conceived in?
[Side Note: We totally didn't catch that the movie was a Jason Reitman movie, or that it was produced by Jason Reitman or that it was directed by Jason Reitman, like at all. Maybe you should have written it three more times in the opening credits.]
Putting all of this aside, the awk part was when we realized that Mavis is actually too betchy for her age to still be betchy. She was an un-evolved betch, not a cool betchy mom. So really all we saw was a completely delusional delusional dater. Mavis makes your DD bestie look like she's getting a daily bouquet of roses from the bro who she does secretive timed drive-bys of his house. The bitch is a brainwave-dancing, Men are from Mars-reading, Dr. Phil ticket-holding friend of Lea Michelle, know what I'm saying?
But we'll admit that there were some really fucking hysterical moments, ones that we almost didn't like because they were too real, but they ultimately made the movie. Charlize's character was just a 22 year old stuck in a 37 year old woman's body. Just how we don't immediately smile when we see an ugly baby, Mavis gets nauseous. Oh and staring down the Asian manicurist as if you're convinced she's hiding something while she's cutting your cuticles...who like, doesn't do that? And she was a writer, which personally scared us a bit. Whatevs, we're over it.
So all in all, even though this storyline scared the shit out of us, at the end of the day, there was something inherently lovable about Main Betch Mavis. She might be a delusional, narcissistic, peaked in high school sociopath but her realization of all this lasts only 5 minutes before she's out of hick town and back to the 'big city' of Minneapolis. Lol at that. Oh, and when she told the midget's sister that she was made for small town bumblefuck and was simply not betchy enough for a cool life, we realized fuck it, we'd go for drinks with her.