May 8, 2015
Waiting in lines and betches go together like salt and iced coffee. There is nothing that we hate more than standing around aimlessly, inching towards where we want to be like sheep being herded. These rules of society just don’t apply to us.
Here are some genius techniques for cutting lines. They have all been tried and tested, and our average rate of success estimated for you.
Stroll casually past the giant line and if anyone asks you what the fuck you’re doing, glance at them innocently and say “I’m just going to wash my hands.” Once you’re in, go to the sink at the very end of the bathroom, as far away from the line as you can get. Wash your hands and play with your hair in the mirror until a stall opens behind you. Yours for the taking.
Success rate: 100%, unless there is a bathroom attendant
This is best executed in a pair. Press your hand to your mouth and wear an expression that plainly says “I am seconds away from spewing all over you.” Your friend should be holding you up, helping you walk straight, and will obviously also hold your hand back mid-yack. Nobody in the line will give a shit that you’re passing 40+ people who are waiting, they just want you as far away from them as possible. Rush into a stall together. Take turns being the fake puker unless one of you is naturally just the hotter mess.
Success rate: 100%, nobody wants to get puked on
“Hey, I haven’t seen you in so long! How have you been?” Say this with a big smile and enough enthusiasm and random person will believe that they know you. Keep up the fake chitchat until you are inside your destination, give them a hug and say “Great to see you. Let’s go for a drink soon, you have my number, right?” and run away. This is best executed when you target a group of guys or a group of girls. Do not ever try this with a mixed group, your “friend” just might have his girlfriend next to him and she will not be happy that a random hot girl is pretending to know her boyfriend.
Success rate: 80%, unless you are a shitty actress, not very attractive, or accidentally burst out laughing
Walk confidently and pretend that this is exactly what you’re supposed to be doing. No shame, no blame. Most people will literally say nothing, believing that you are following the rules and that you’re somehow allowed. If anyone asks you what the fuck you think you’re doing, smile and say “I’m just looking for my friend who works here.”
Success rate: 70%, somebody who actually works there might ask you who you’re looking for