July 14, 2015
Everyone knows that the best way to kill two birds is with one stone and that the best way to look chic AF is to have pretty skin and to stop eating solid foods. That’s why it’s in your best interest to deprive and pamper your body at the same time, by putting the food you would otherwise ingest on your face. The following three face masks are easier than your sluttiest friend (and probably cheaper than her too) so you really don't have any excuse but to try them. Plus, according to Kate Moss "Nothing tastes as good as ruining food by putting it on your face instead feels" and her word is practically biblical, so...
I once read that smearing mashed bananas on your skin is basically akin to getting Botox. Obviously that’s a really fucked up lie and Dole’s PR team should be ashamed of themselves.
Nonetheless, bananas actually do bring things to the table, besides their hilarious phallic shape. Take for example, the fact that bananas have a shit ton of Vitamin A, which prevents you from looking old forever if you put enough of it on your skin.
Here’s what to do:
Get a super ripe banana and smash it into a bowl until it looks really disgusting. Then add ¼ cup of plain oatmeal. Mix these things together until they form a paste that makes you want to vomit. Then put the mixture on your clean face and let it hang out there for 20 minutes before washing it off.
Mayonnaise, aka Satan’s jizz, is downright disturbing and totally unnecessary in any reputable food regime. Do you honestly think Gisele Bunnbdhchden (spelling unclear) eats mayonnaise? Fuck no. But you know what she probably does do? Pay a ridiculous amount of money for someone to paint that shit on her face while Sade plays in the background.
Anyway, mayonnaise is essentially just GMO fat goop which is why it’s gross but also why it’s like the best thing to happen to your skin since you met Karen (your facialist + life coach, obv). There’s some scientific reasoning behind this (the reason it’s good for your skin, not the reason for meeting Karen, that can only be explained by God) but who really cares. Just know that the ingredients in mayonnaise tighten your pores and make you a better person.
Here’s what to do:
Get 1/4 cup mayonnaise (brand name only, don't be cheap). Then plop it in a bowl. Put it on your face for at least 20 - 30 minutes and make sure to wash it off thoroughly so you don’t smell like Quizno’s.
I’m not going to sugar coat this, there’s a time and a place for avocados and every single goddamn day just isn’t one of them (*cough* food bloggers *cough*). Yes they have 'good fats' (why is that a thing?), but they are also fattening and therefore you shouldn’t be putting them in your mouth. Or at least you should only put them in your mouth if they are in the form of guacamole and it’s 11 pm on Taco Tuesday...because everyone knows that anything you put in your mouth while blacked out doesn’t actually count.
Avocados are full of all the nutrients your body probably needs/a diet of cigarettes and Diet Coke won’t give you, but that's not really the point. The point is that the nutrients in avocados have topical benefits as well, such as Vitamin E, which is known to make your skin certifiably bang-worthy. Because if you can't be healthy at least you can be pretty (see: every single supermodel ever).
Here’s what to do:
Mash ½ of an avocado in a bowl. Add 1 tablespoon of honey (for extra moisturizing/good smelling purposes) and whisk that shit together with a fork. Again, put it on face your and let it sit for 15-20 minutes, which just so happens to be the perfect amount of time for you to lose your appetite for nachos whilst staring at yourself in the mirror/wondering what your life has become..