January 23, 2012
Now, we know what you're thinking, One Tree Hill sucks. Why would you want to watch what is essentially a soap opera of North Carolina teenagers. But wait, why wouldn't you? Anyone over the age of 19 knows that One Tree Hill used to be amazing and if you didn't at least consider quoting Chad Michael Murray in your high school yearbook, you were probably a nice girl.
Somewhere between fast forwarding through college and that psycho nanny Carrie era this show became too much to handle, but seeing that after nine long seasons One Tree Hill, better known in #21 abbrevs as OTH, is coming to an end, and it's only fair that we pay homage to one of the CW's original teenage masterpieces.
At first we wondered why this town only has one tree? We quickly learned that the title had a much deeper meaning. Tree Hill, North Carolina, for whatever reason, is packed with celebrities. A famous designer, musician, athlete, actress, director, author, the list goes on. But wait, why are fuck are these people here? If you live in this town you have been driven off a bridge or have been shot by a lunatic at least once. The only explanation is that Karen's cafe makes amazing #54 iced coffee that gets its great taste from a special ingredient known as Lucas heart medication.
Why it's a Betch's fav show:
Before these characters became famous they attended Tree Hill High. While there's really nothing betchy about North Carolina, this group of
30-year-olds teens were always getting fucked up at their parents' beach houses, ski lodges, or at hotels during their cheer/basketball trips and they always mastered #36 not doing work, since they managed to find a nice girl Haley (tutor girl) to do it for them. Also, if your high school bestie group wasnt almost broken up by the heated debate that was Lucas or Nathan then you should hope you're not still speaking to any of your high school friends anymore because they clearly fucking suck.
Brooke is a betch simply because she was the most popular girl in school and always looked gorg. She was kind of a slut and frequently cheated on but we can overlook that because of how amazingly grool she was and how she turned making up with her bestie into a clothing line. Clothes over Bros for life! Though her BFF was a backstabbing emo bitch, she had much better luck than Peyton Sawyer (minus the time she almost drowned and got the shit kicked out of her by some orphan).
For example: Brooke was not shot in a school shooting, her adopted and biological mother's did not die, she did not collapse whilst bleeding out on her living room floor on her wedding night, ETC.
We do give P snaps though because she overcame obstacles while still maintaining a flawless physique. Apparently frantically running up and down the stairs to escape your stalker "brother", Derek, is amazing for perfecting one's abs.
Why this show is not betchy:
Everyone on this show is fucking related. Like seriously Lucas and Nathan are brothers because they have the same father, Dan. Dan's brother is Keith, who knocked up Karen, Lucas mother. Keith also fucked Deb, Dan's ex wife. Brooke used to fook Lucas who cheated on her with bestie Peyton like too many times to count. Nathan even lost his virg to Haleys sister, not Quinn, the evil one.
Fast forward. Here's the rest of the show in under 30 seconds: Lucas and Peyton end up together after he kisses her on the court but they left, wahh!! PEOPLE ALWAYS LEAVE! Brooke was #8 not fucking bros for a min and probz dry humped
Ste-phen Coletti Chase during her Clean Teen phase. Now he's fucking Alex who attempted to com sui over Julian, Brooke's husband. Nathan's agent, Clay, is dating Haley's sister, Quinn. The girl from Cente Stage shot them and they lived, what a surprising turn of events! Oh and for about 5 minutes fugly turned hottie turned drug addict, Rachel, was married to Dan while he was like a preacher or something. She might've also hooked up with Lucas we can't remember, our brain hurts almost enough to vom the trapped air in our stomachs from the #133 gum we chewed for dinner.
Judging from the season premiere shit is going to hit the fan in Tree Hill like shit has never hit a fan before. Clay is psycho, Brooke's dad exists, Chris Keller is back"very int"ressante Haley! Who the fuck gave Dan a gun and is Nathan under the sheet? Most importantly, Lucas
can't get another acting job returns. But not Peyton because her career is clearly booming and she has to take care of her baby with Denny from Grey's.
While Nate's away Haley will play guitar with Chris Keller because she probably won't hook up with him.
Clay is the one under the sheet. He prob got hit by a car or some shit while sleepwalking, a great explanation for Haley crying hysterically: she did it. Even though we do think it's a guy, Quinn could be dead also. Either way it's anticlimactic, they should've both died already.
Chase beats up Julian in an alley and gets arrested? Or maybe a Chex domestic dispute?
Deb will be back for one episode, we pray she brings some oxy.
Jimmy Edwards is alive.
Well after writing that our heads are killing us and we're going to go on to bigger and better things, like watching Gossip Girl. See ya lataz OTH, may we always remember Hayley's stupid pig tails and Nathan's hot body but acne ridden face. Some things will never change though, and that is CW casting 40-year-olds to play 17-year-old whores.