January 25, 2012
So even though we've commented on Facebook before, things have changed a bit since the last time we warned you against the dating faux pas that is friending a guy first. Apparently Mark Zuckerberg thought the global population wasn't anxious enough that he was using their personal information to sell their souls to advertisers. He needed to do something different. Shake things up a bit. Give us a good mind fuck. Enter Facebook Timeline.
Having timeline is like buying 500 dollar legwarmers. Sure they looked cool on the model, but once you put them on you realize you look like a well-manicured Keebler elf. Let's explore why we're not so happy with Facebook's release of our lifetime montage to 1,500 of our closest friends.
Not only is timeline unusable, but it pains us to say that it makes us really despise Facebook. Why do I want to stalk profiles that people heavily monitor and choose what they want to put up? I mean, I'd like to know that you didn't hide the 432 pictures from your freshman year chubby stage before I actually make the decision of whether or not to date you.
What's worse is that now it becomes even more transparent what people think of themselves. People choose what they want you to see, who they became friends with when, and what picture they think they look skinny enough to blow up to 1200 pixels. Unfortunately, even when you try to edit or hide things from your timeline, new things just pop up in their place, so censoring your profile is kind of like playing Wack-a-Mole, but like, with your life.
Timeline will become a haven for lazy stalkers, and it reminds us all that the internet's not written in pencil Mark it's written in INK. So those embarrassing videos you left on your bestie's wall in 2008 might as well have been recorded yesterday for how easy they are to find.
It also gives way too much information, like I care that you added 146 friends in 2010? And the creepy thing it does where it can detect who your "good friends" are and features the moment on your timeline when you became friends, like to denote that meeting this person was a milestone or some shit.
Now let's talk about the cover photo. As if the pressure for choosing a profile picture that doesn't seem like you're TTH wasn't bad enough, now we have to deal with filling the upper fold of everyone's screens with a marginally witty/borderline pretentious/exotic photo of ourselves or like, an arbitrary city skyline? It's enough to make you want to pop a Xanax. Speaking of Xanax, I feel like I need one whenever I go on anyone's profile for fear that I'm going to accidentally like something, like an old inside joke from the ex-boyfriend of some weird girl from high school you still occasionally stalk for kicks. Not only will she know that you've been stalking her, but both of them will receive a notification of your Facebook foul.
So what, now we can't write on each other's walls, it's writing on timelines? In 2012, The Betches wrote "Go Fuck Yourself" on Facebook's timeline. And whats with this baby blue color? Is it some sort of metaphor for this new shitty idea being Zuckerberg's "baby." Here's some news for your feed: Your baby is DISGUSTING. Can I take my timeline back to a time when your ego wasn't as large and nauseating as watching a movie in IMAX 3D? Throw me a frickin bone here.
So betches, like the Communist threat came with the Eastern bloc once upon a time, a Blue Scare is now upon us. It's time to tell those nice guys over in Silicon Valley that we will not put up with our favorite stalking device becoming our newest daily irritation. It's time to live in the present. Boycott timeline. Nostalgia is for nice girls...unless you're reminiscing over the time you had a Facebook wall.