February 22, 2012
Walking into This Means War, we were prepared for like a giant joke. Undeveloped plots, horrible acting, and shit happening for no reason, you know, like in New Year's Eve. Okay, so maybe our expectations were met but somehow this movie was actually pretty great. It had us at Chris Pine's eyes, Reese's ridiculously thin legs, and Chelsea's sexual escapade with a fat man and a cheeto.
But like, why wouldn't this movie be entertaining? You put two really hot guys (one beautiful, the other good looking with a hot accent), Reese, and her comedian bestie doing ridiculous shit while fighting crime (?) -this is an obvious formula for success! It was like Chelsea Lately meets Sweet Home Alabama meets Spy Kids. But as usual, as with most semi-romantic half-assed action comedies some parts definitely made us raise an eyebrow.
Like Reese, why was your office so fucking bright? You looked like you worked on the set of Death to Smoochy or like a really chic kindergarten.
And why was Pine's character's name FDR? Was no one wondering that? Maybe I missed the part where they explained this because I was lost in his abnormally blue eyes / kept noticing ways he and Reese kind of look like they could be related, but why the fuck was everyone just down with him being called by the initials of a paraplegic president?
Oh and can we talk about how their cover-up Who leaves a highway unfinished like that, what is this, Speed?
What about the whole plot about that Russian who actually spoke gibberish, coming after the two guys, based on a small piece of suit he ripped off FDR's jacket. Because he clearly found the ONE suit maker who has made ONE suit and it happened to be his. Wow, the realism in Hollywood story-telling these days is just exquisite.
So if you're trying to see a decent movie with really hot people with really deep blue eyes and unrealistically good combat skills for their attractiveness level, we say go for it. Just don't forget to blaze, at least for our sake. Maybe even hot box your car to a little Sade, because we're sure Chelsea did after the realization that her role in Hollywood was reduced to a wise cracking yet well intentioned bestie with annoying kids and a fat husband.