March 1, 2012
So apparently Snooki is pregnant. We're sure this isn't her first time accidentally getting knocked up but we have a feeling if this is true she'll keep it. We wonder how drunk this baby will be upon emerging from her uterus after 9 months of being fed vodka and semen through the umbilical cord? Read article
Natalie Portman ties the knot months after her bastard son is born. Nat didn't they teach you in Hebrew School that it's supposed to be the other way around? Read article
Omg look everyone, our abbrevs casually made into the New York Times. But I mean like, chill out NYT. Leave the linguistics lessons to people who actually know what they're talking about. Read article
Khloe Kardashian reveals to Conan that the first thing Kris Humphies ever said to her was, "how much are you getitng paid to fake your marriage?" Okay, so we don't really give a shit that he said that but like really, Khloe, how much are you getting paid? Read article
So apparently the Gods of virginity have gotten together to set up what could possibly be the nicest couple in history: Taylor Swift and Tim Tebow. We predict their children will be born doing our homework"after which they will enjoy a happy life together filled with backyard touch football played while singing bible songs. Click here to see a hypothetical Swift-Tebow spawn.
If you make this face EVER, you can't sit with us.
In a weekly effort to pretend she doesn't do drugs anymore, LinzLo tells Matt Lauer that she's totes a sober homebody. Oh Lindsay, not even your mom believes you but don't worry, we still love you. Our favorite part of the interview has got to be this:
Gwyneth loves herself a nice delusional Steve sandwich. See twitpics.
Kim K is pissed off that Demi Moore called her immature on Twitter a few years ago so in a fit of retaliation on par with the Nuremberg trials she requested "Whip It, dedicated to Demi" at Elton John's Oscar party. We can't wait for Demi to get out rehab and proverbially beat the shit out of Kim. That or she can have her bodyguard son Rumer do it. Read article
This is why we signed up for condom education 101 in college. Lesson one: don't get pregnant or herpes. Both last forever. Only one doesn't cry. Read article