March 5, 2012
Just when you thought pounding 15 shots to a really chic electronic beat was the only way to pregame, a movie comes out and shows us all up. I mean, it was not only fucking hysterical, but it made us want to fucking party. Like the way we felt leaving the theater is how we imagine a born-again virgin would feel if she was de-again-virginized by Tim Tebow. No we don't know what that means but our point is: it was fucking amazing.
So what happened in this movie?What DIDN'T happen? We don't want to spoil it for you because no one should be deprived of this experience. Like seriously they should hand this shit out to African babies in place of food packages to guarantee it's been seen by the entire population.
What to expect: A complete shit show. Expect roid-raged midgets shoved into ovens, ecstasy gnomes, a homemade little dog/hot air balloon, and fat people jumping off roofs onto bouncy castles. Oh and casual soft-core porn.
Our favorite character was: the bar mitzvah boy who was like a cross from Freaks and Geeks and Jonah Hill in Superbad, Costa. This bro wore argyle sweater vests, was no taller than 5'2" and carried a chalice. What about this description doesn't scream sex monster? Everyone who sees this movie will be like, wow I know exactly who these kids were in high school, especially JB (the fat ironically dumb nerd) except they never had the balls to throw this kind of party, but fuck you wish they would.
The most brilliant part of the movie was: the security kids, hands down. These prepubescent greasers took their job as the party 'security' too seriously, may or may not have caught on fire, and were punched in the face by a really hot dad/neighbor.
So we don't want to give away too much, and frankly we forgot all the dialogue because we were like, really high, as was every single other person in the theater from what we smelled and overheard. That's another thing, you must smoke before you see this. But after seeing it feel free to comment your favorite quotes because we can't remember any except when Costa said he's sorry for calling JB a fat fuck and he's sorry for repeating it now.