March 8, 2012
Enter baby Snooki, who as a 15 week-old fetus is now the youngest guido/human mix to ever have its very own blog. Lucky for betches, we caught on to this social media star's account early and decided to share some of its inspiring thoughts about the journey from pre-conception to life.
Hi my name is TBD, and I'm the baby of Nicole Polizzi and I hope Jionni LaValle. Dad seems to think I'll be "Shortntan"...though it'll probs be more like Shortnstupid. I'm happy mommy settled down with Jionni and not some juicehead guido because now I won't have roid and rage issues! Scratch that, I'll probably still have the rage issue. I don't know if I'm male or female yet but I'm not sure what would turn out worse. Anyway, I'm really happy mom and dad are going to be rich because now they'll be able to buy me my dream leopard-upholstered stair lift! So welcome to my blog! Hope you enjoy.
The Shore, Summer 2010: Mommy meets daddy yayyy! Ooooh I think mommy just peed on someone.
I know it's physically impossible for me to know this but Mommy pissed daddy off in Italy, I think she was being a whore. SHHHhh I'm not supposed to know that word until I'm at least three.
Oh the HORROR! I think that's the Situation's penis in mommy's mouth!! Slap it away! SLAP IT AWAY.
Mommy and Daddy make up, daddy buys shots for everyone, can't wait to taste it in my breast milk!
Conception: Mommy's drunk, I'm conceived yayyy!!
1 month in the womb: No period for mommy hehe, my b.
Daddy realizes he used Jergens Natural Glow instead of spermicide. There's a reason people don't use spermicide anymore dad, duh!
2 month in the womb: No mommy, a hanger belongs in your closet not in here....
End of first trimester: Oh no, TMZ gave me away! Whatevs, now mom can
eat twice as much keep eating normally and the public can't judge her!
OMG Daddy proposed! Oh no mommy, spray tan is not the same thing as diamond shiner. Shit, we should have gone to college.
End of second trimester: Ugh it's hot enough in here already, can we wait till I'm born to keep tanning? I don't even have skin yet!
People confuse me for fat :(
Birth: OMG YAY I'm born!!! Why am I so white!!? Oh that's right because no one in my family actually has dark skin...
That's what the Situation looks like in real life? Jeez, only having seen the tip of his penis I'd assume he was at least in his late 50s, early 60s
One week old: Mommy I'm hungry stop doing those weird chipmunk crunches.
I have been bestowed with my first bedazzled Android where mom's made me my very own Twitter account! Don't worry my tweets are my own. Tweet me @drunkbaby #birthdefectproblems
One month old: Mom, stop taking me tanning! I'm pretty sure there's an age restriction for these beds! This is not my idea of an advanced baby blanket!
So many pictures!! HEY, NEW MAKEUP ARTIST...you didn't get my usual shade of Black Radiance bronzer! Someone fire this bitch.
Mommy put something in my milk - it makes me feel gooodd ;)
Three months old: Baby's first bellybutton ring! TG, earrings are for pale people!
Six months old: MOM AND DAD GET MARRIED YAY! This is the happiest day of my life, mommy and daddy got a clown to perform!! AHHH..oh no wait that's Deena. Ugh this happens more often than it should.
One year old: I'm one! BDAY PARTAYY. Why am I as tall standing as I am sitting?
My first word!! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS! Does Gerber make vodka?
Mommy's favorite snack is the same color as my milk! HEY how come she gets to eat through her nose and not me. Maybe when I'm two....
Two years old: WAHHHHHH
Three years old: I'm three! first day at the therapist!
How come you have to be a certain height to go on the slide!? I won't be able to play until I'm at least...7.
Four years later... I'm 7 and no one can seem to figure out why I'm still 2 foot 4.