New Girl Recap: Schmidt Found Love in an Indian Place

By The Betches

We give last night's New Girl a big round of LOL. We knew it was going to be good from the beginning when Jess was pumped to train for a marathon because she just uploaded Diane Keaton's biography to her iPod, after which Cece made 2 excellent points. One being that she didn't get Jess's marathon reminder emails because she probably typed 'gmoil' again, we've all been there. The second one being, why can't we just donate the money, why do we have to run the 6 miles first? Touch? Cees. I think we just found the selfless good deed Phoebe has been in search of all these years. Donating money without running the give money to a good cause, and you reap 0 health benefits. Sick.

Also Cece's model roommate was depressed because she accidentally ate a cookie...because she fell on it. Where do they come up with this? JEW IN THE COUCH!

And yes we're planning to quote the entire show, just go with it.

Did anyone else find Nick's plot line like, really retarded? Because we sure did. I meannnn...what 21 year olds are you hooking up with? Those girls looked at least 25, and why were they all crazy? And why at your ripe age of 'old fuck' do you suddenly have no idea how to kick a girl out of an apartment? No 21 year old is like, tryina stick around. The normal sluts are used to this, so we hate to say it but these girls were just whorey Stage 5s, sorry Nicky poo.

But we did enjoy this one great line from jealous scarf girl when she asked who was calling Nick: Was it that stuck up bitch last night, with that fake hand?!

new girlIf you're faking it Jess, good job

Jess was absurd last night, and we loved every minute of it. Speaking in Native American when she got mad, TWO MOONS HAVE PASSED!! And calling masturbating "self completing" really just threw us over the edge.


Even Winston was pretty decent. There was no Kahlua around, with her "love is eternal" face to fuck up the screen. It was perf. He also went deep into a weird southern gay black slave monologue about who the fuck knows what, in order to get everyone else to shut the fuck up so that he could sleep in on a Saturday. We feel you bro. It's Saturday, everyone should know to be silent until at least 4pm.

And finally, the wonder that is Schmidt. Why do we love him so much? It's not normal, but we're okay with that. Cece realizes she has a big ol' lesbian crush on him and we totally approve, she's pretty and has amazing ombre hair. Also, who knew she was Indian? (Watch the comment section go wild..Um are you fucking kidding me, you don't know the ethnicity of this actress you've never seen before?!! And you call yourself betches!??!?)

Schmidt and his quotes...we die.

Since my 20s I had a string of lesser paramours which like weathered stone steps have led me to my Hindu temple. Aka Cece. Because she is Indian.

Ladies, let's not do this, at least not with our shirts on.

Oh Jess...A winter hat is not going to make us stop thinking about you from time to time when we delight ourselves!

I'm taking you off prep. Go clean the garbanzo beans. Be careful with that knife, it's from Jah-pahn

Easy there with the knife, Robespierre.

So betches, get on your New Girl game next Tuesday and watch with us. What else are you even doing? And no, skype date with Grandma while she watches Dancing with the Stars is not an excuse, nice girl.

Last week's recap>>





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