April 9, 2012
So this weekend we saw American Reunion, a movie that set itself up to be a piece of shit, but we really couldn't resist. As the fourth installment of the American Pie saga, Reunion fails to come up with any new interesting jokes aside from the suggestion that Jason Biggs looks like Adam Sandler (which he does not). But really, this movie was TTH and like, annoying. They should've let the franchise die a while ago. What's next, American Retirement where we finally get to see Jim die and the cast reunites to attend his funeral and an old ass Stifler fucks a corpse?
While we appreciate the producers' efforts to #36 not do work, this movie was essentially a reiteration of all the funny jokes from the original one, thirteen years ago. From everyone literally just retelling old stories and laughing about something we laughed at when we were ten, to the literal exact playing of Bic Runga's Sway when Oz and Mena Suvari get together, it's clear someone wrote this script in about fifteen minutes. Also, why does everyone look exactly the same age as they did 13 years ago? Aside from the animal growing on Kevin's face, no one seems to have changed at all. Even Tara "nip-slip" Reid looks pretty much exactly the same.
Now onto the character assassinations...
Kevin/Tara Reid: Ugh apparently Kevin decided to morph into Cat Stevens in a '70s porn shoot. There is no way in this world...or the next...that the woman who played his wife, or even the botched version of Tara Reid, would ever go for him.
Also, in one of the most ridiculous story lines in movie history, Tara Reid gets all sad that Kevin would think she would have sex with him even though he's married. The fact that she would even question this is completely retarded. Like, you woke up naked in the same bed as your high school boyfriend and you look like you'd fuck anything that remembers you at your high school peak. Of course he would think that!
And really, when Kevin's wife shows up at the reunion, she's thrilled to meet his slutty single high school girlfriend? His wife asks if she wants to dance with the two of them!? Sorry, no.
Also, Tara: So happy you could take a break from doing absolutely nothing since American Pie 2 to have 10 minutes of screen time in the reunion.
Jim/Alyson Hannigan: Alyson Hannigan is your quintissential pale gingered nice girl. That jean skirt, Alyson? Really????
About the Jim plot with his neighbor Kara. I'm sure we believe that a 4 year old would really develop a crush on her losery fugly 17 year old babysitter. And we're sure she would really be trying to fuck a guy whose premature ejaculation issue is available for universal viewing.
But more importantly, when this bitch got drunk and tried to rape him, why didn't he just leave her naked in front of her house with a post it note that says DTF? That's what we would've done.
Chis Klein/Mena Suvari: Oz's Dancing With the Stars video was actually pretty funny and his girlfriend looks like a young Christine Taylor. She was also the only fun person around this weekend, did no one else think to bring their E?
And we can't forget that the cheesiest line of the movie goes to Oz...
Oz: I lost the one thing that really mattered to me.Mena: It's just a game show, Oz!Oz: No, I meant I lost you...
Stifler: He was by far the funniest and douchiest character. Despite the fact that he's played the same exact character in every movie since the original, we enjoy his SAB tendencies.
Our favorite include:
Stifler: I love the Twilight books. New Moon is my favorite!Teen Girl: Mine too!Stifler: Oh my god, it's like, we have so much in common!
Jim: Stifler, you shit on their beer and destroyed their jetskis!Stifler: They splashed us!
Finch: His character was so incredibly boring we found ourselves pining for the days he had explosive diarrhea in the public school bathroom.
Jim's Dad: So glad you were there to reiterate the only funny thing about this entire franchise: your son fucked a pie in 12th grade. Oh and congrats on conquering Paulette, the original MILF.
Cause you don't wanna miss a thing