July 2, 2015
Awkward lunch tables breathed a sigh of relief this week when one person remembered that the 4th of July is this Saturday. Historically, after commenting on what everyone was eating and then complaining about the weather, these tables have spent the remainder of their lunch hour suffering through a combination of uncomfortable one-liners and dead-on silence. With the national holiday just around the corner however, that’s all changed.
“Talking about plans for the 4th saved my Wednesday afternoon,” said one source. “Everyone seemed to light up all of sudden. We easily talked for over half the lunch, and it wasn’t even that hard to pretend that I cared about what everyone else was saying.” Similar reports have been shared across the country, with sighs and desperate avoidance of eye contact now being exchanged for lively talk of travel plans and the best place to catch the fireworks.
“For me the best part was not needing to come up with any type of original response,” said another. “No matter what someone shared, one of us would just shout, “Well that’ll be nice!” until someone else started talking about their plans. At a certain point we were all just smiling and nodding, and I think that took us all the way through.”
You can expect digressions about backyard grilling, weekend getaways, and the joys of a cold pack of beer to be heard well into next week. After that, analysts predict they'll be back to the same old shit..