September 11, 2014
While The Fappening is probably still very much still, well, fappening on Reddit and the bedrooms of 14 year old boys across the world, betches and other people with better shit to do have had enough time to process and to to put this world-wide-masturbation-party into context. Long before the invisible omnipresent sext repository, aka the iCloud came along to scare women out of taking pics of their nips, obese male losers with nothing better to do had to resort to something called “filing cabinets” and “memory” for storing those sweet, sweet, stolen celebrity nudes.
And, you know, the human spirit is an incredible thing. Despite that fact that we were many, many years away from 4chan, the male drive to jerk-it to a starlet's stolen pics without her consent overcame all the odds so that even in a world without the internet or, like, integration, men still had access to tits that they had no business seeing in the first place.
Basically, what I’m trying to say is that this shit is not new and is, in fact, getting pretty fucking old. Here are some examples of why that is:
The comparisons between JLaw and MMonr are numerous, but nothing links them together so much as their own nudie pic scandals. In 1949, the future Hollywood it girl was 23, not famous yet, and in desperate need for some cash. Probably to go on a dope spring break or something. So our girl Marilyn decided to casually pose for some nudes on a red satin bed for some creeper by the name of Tom Kelly. This bro gave her $50 for her trouble and then she presumably was like, “Thanks, freak!” and used the cash to pay her rent, figuring that the pics would never show up again because Tom Kelly was a nobody and, at the time, so was she.
Well, flash forward to 1953 and Marilyn is chilling in semi-stardom when some unknown bro named Hugh Hefner is like “Oh shit I think these random nudes my boy Tom gave me are of that Marilyn Monroe chick!” And then, instead of filing that revelation away into the “shit that’s not my business” part of his brain, Hef published the pics (without bothering to contact Marilyn, obvs) and launched a little thing called Playboy (which you may have heard of from Girls Next Door and from being how most dudes jerked it before the internet existed).
Marilyn handled it like a fucking pro, that’s how. Basically, she was like IDGAF and told her PR people to chill the fuck out and that she’d handle it. Then she told the press to go fuck themselves stating “I’m not ashamed of it. I’ve done nothing wrong,” and adding “I’ve autographed a few copies of it, mostly for sick people...I said this isn’t my best angle.”
Then she became like, the most famous person ever, partly because of the nudes and partly because she’s the fucking best.
Marilyn Monroe was betchy AF and there is a reason why so many basic bitches have posters of her in their dorm.
Nope, you’re not reading that wrong. Beloved Golden Girl and frequent source of internet fake-death rumors Betty White is no stranger to the occasional tit-pic. Long, long, long before she took up playing Rose, White worked as a pin-up model and did a little more than just smiling for the camera. And, in case you’re curious, the pics in question feature White wearing only earmuffs and also as a sexy naked playing card which, like the Betty White we know and love, is hilarious and adorable.
The pics were never really a secret, but they always resurface hardcore on the internet whenever good ‘ol BW’s birthday comes around, which must be pretty fucking crazy for her considering that betch is like, over 90 years old at this point.
First, she pulled an Ariana Grande and tried to deny the pics were of her saying (according to The National Enquirer--which I get isn’t like, the best source of news) that “It does look like me except the earmuffs would not have been there! They would have been here!” Then she pointed to her tits.
Since then White has decided to just not give a fuck or say anything about the pics because she is fucking 90 years old and everybody loves her and who gives a shit?
Once you turn 90, nothing really matters.
Yep. Even first ladies are not immune to our insatiable desire for leaked nudes (you hear that, Michelle?) And, to be fair, the nudes weren’t so much “leaked” as they were “shadily taken by a gross paparazzi while Mrs. Kennedy-Onassis got some much needed sun on her ta-tas” but you guys get what I mean.
It was 1971 when the aforementioned gross paparazzi used a fucking telescopic lense and fishing boat to take pics of America’s hottest first lady (sorry Martha) naked tanning and sold them to Hustler because, you know, men are animals. Then Hustler published the unedited pics without Jackie’s consent because, I say again, men are animals.
Like most things with Jackie, it’s hard to tell. She was publicly pretty pissed, but in private she sent a signed copy of one of the pics to her BFF Andy Warhol with a note that said “For Andy, with enduring affection Jackie Montauk.”
Only fuck JFK if you’re down to have somebody leak your nudes.
Elizabeth Taylor, who you may remember as being spectacularly portrayed in the LiLo classic Liz and Dick, was once considered to be the most beautiful woman in the world (you know, like LiLo). That, compared with her 500 husband makes it not so hard to believe that she had a few nudes of her own that were ripe for leakin’.
Despite being mega-famous, Liz kept her nudes on fucking lock-down hardcore. It wasn’t until 2011 after her death that some unnamed shit-eating art collector tastefully released a single naked pic of Liz which, I remind you, the now-dead star had given to her ex husband and never wanted anyone to see. Still though, props to LT for keeping her leak down to a single pic.
She remained dead.
Even in death, no one is safe from their nudes.
If I had told you at the top of this article that it would include two Golden Girls would you have believed me? Well, it’s true and who knows if Rose and Dorothy were the freaks of the friend group or if Blanche and Sophia were just better at handling their shit. Personally, I feel like Blanche would totally have self-released her nudes if she’d had them. Especially if Rose’s came out first.
So, this is another one that isn’t so much a “nude photo leak” thing as it is a “creepy artist painted a weird naked portrait” thing, but I’m including it anyway because it is weird as fuck. Anyway, painter/freak John Currin painted the cleverly titled “Bea Arthur Naked” in 1991 claiming it to be “historically significant” and selling it for $1.9 million because I guess some asshole really wanted a painting of Bea Arthur’s tits. Like, really, really wanted one.
Bea wasn’t alive to see herself immortalized in oil and canvas, so I’m just going to take a Golden Girls quote and falsely attribute it to this situation.
In response to the painting, Bea reportedly said, “I could get herpes listening to this story!”
Just because you’re old and dead doesn’t mean some bro isn’t gonna paint a picture of you with huge nipples.