In this week’s edition of “we hate everything,” we’re stretching our imaginations into the realm of clothes we can wear that tell people to fuck off without, like, actually saying it.
Enter the onesie. Have you ever just wanted to zip up and literally wear a blanket? Now you can because of the chic AF onesie brand Onepiece, and here are five reasons why you fucking should:
Have you ever wanted to be swathed in darkness but like, still have your arms and legs free so you could wander around and pretend to be blind? With hooded onesies you can. Plus, you just have to unzip a lil to get a straw in your piehole from which to drink alcohol, YAY. The stealth from OnePiece, for example, has eye covers, can zip all the way up, and comes with ear plugs so you can block out noise AND light.
There’s an upper and lower zipper, so it isn’t terrible, but peeing may take a while. On the bright side, the longer you take to figure out this anatomical nightmare, the less time you have to sit and listen to your infant cousin trying to form words at Thanksgiving dinner. Like, can we not?
Proving you can not give a fuck AND be rich: Yah, self-explanatory here. Khloé has worn this Onepiece onesie out to CLUBS and still manages to look fierce (dropping like 30 lbs helped too just saying), so maybe you can to. You know, with a lot of makeup and having your hair did all cute.
Is there anything better than napping? No. With a onesie, you can pass out literally anywhere and it’s acceptable and totally adorable because aww you’re in a onesie! If only it had footies like your old princess footie pajamas. That’d be like 10/10 ftw. Lucky for us, the stealth—as mentioned in No. 1—has an inflatable fucking neck pillow to make hibernation even MORE boss.
Anyone who says you have to dress up for any holiday that literally revolves around eating can fuck off. With a onesie, you can eat all you want and still feel cute, because like, it’s essentially a giant sweatshirt. Your muffin top will be hidden from the world, and no one can question your lack of trying because, like, at least the onesies are pricy and not from fucking Walmart. They’re a fashion staple.
To help you in your newly discovered onesie love, Onepiece is offering a code to unlock their sale at Onepiece. The code is BETCHES (fucking obviously). The Black Friday UNLOCK starts TODAY and runs through Cyber Monday. Sitewide will be 20% off PLUS there’s a buy 2, get the third free promo. So, yah, go buy a onesie, make your friends buy onesies, and you can all drink wine and snuggle.