July 31, 2014
I am a strong believer in the idea that with every problem, there is a margarita that can help you solve it. In fact, that may be the only important thing college taught me. Life is just way too serious and annoying and it would be so much better if we could drink our way through the shitty situations. I can’t be the only person who sits through stupid shit and thinks “Wow, I could really use a drink right now.”
Now this could be different if you’re a fucking psycho drunk (ew), but if you’re somewhat normal, drunkenness consists of being wayyyyy too honest, giggling at your own jokes and having a good ass time. Therefore, normal people really have nothing to lose. Honesty is the best policy and drinking is the best solution. It’s the circle of life.
Looking back, there are so many situations that could have been much more pleasurable if I was fucking hammered during them. It may not have been beneficial for the other people involved, but I’m really the only one who matters anyway, so yeah. Fucking cheers to that.
Sounds insensitive? Sensitivity can suck me. Look, break ups are almost always uncomfortable AF. You have so many things that you want to say, but you don’t because you don’t want to rub salt on the wound you’re about to inflict. You say things like “It’s not you, it’s me”, when you are actually thinking “You have a small penis and you are one clingy mother fucker. It’s you.” I guarantee if you take a few shots before the dumping of the bf, the words will flow much more freely. You may think that sounds bad, but if I was getting dumped I would at least want an honest reason why, so that way I could learn from it and move on.
If you are living college life correctly, you’re probably in a sorority and fucking up all the time. So many rules, they are just begging to be broken. When you get called in by the standards board (aka the Nazi’s of Greek life) to discuss your “bad” and “irresponsible” behavior, it always makes it easier if you go into it plastered. Give the people what they want! Getting scolded is so much easier to handle when you’re not listening to it and dreaming about a late night run to Taco Bell.
Take the edge off, take a fucking shot. Or seven, whatever. Presentations can be long and boring, and nothing spices things up like bringing your good friend Jack Daniels to the party.
Oh look, another one of your friends is getting married. Fucking fantastic. Since all your friends are in love and ditching their social lives forever, you might as well just take that whole bottle of Patron straight to the face. It’s not going to make you any less single and all your friends are going to secretly miss the days when they could act like fucking idiots at public events without the burden of embarrassing their significant other. Congratulations on your engagement, will there be an open bar?
Family is the ultimate excuse to drink. Sure, you’re not trying to black out in front of your great grandma, but alcohol gives you the gift of friendly sociability, something that you don’t normally have. Since all your weird cousins from Montana are there and you only see them once every 11 years, you have to put your resting bitch face aside for a few hours and act like you give shit about your distant bloodline. If you keep the drinks coming, it’s easier to act super fucking psyched to see them. Family can only drive you two ways: crazy or towards the bar.