May 15, 2014
Nowadays, there are many, many ways to lock down a bro and define your relationship that are way more accurate than just saying you're "dating" or "in love" or some other gross bullshit like that. So the next time you're about to fall asleep and some bro whispers "what are we?" into your ear, break it down for him with one of these more modern definitions.
This is the dude who you text regularly, you like each other's shit on insta and if you do end up in the same room there is a 90% you'll sit on his lap at some point in the evening, but you know you're never going to fuck him. Some people call this the "friendzone" but FBNF is more than that because you're not really friends. You just hit him up at random times (usually when another bro is pissing you off), flirt, and then let him go back to whatever it is he does when you're not gracing him with your presence. Occasionally when you're really bored you'll make out with him. We've covered this bro extensively in The Back Burner Bro.
How it ends: Considering most dudes don't realize when they're your FBNF, there's a high chance he'll try to actually hook up/define your relationship eventually. This will be sad and awk for both of you. You'll never speak again.
This is the most common relationship in a betch's life. This is the bro who without fail will find his way into your bed (and your vag) at some point between Friday and Sunday (maybe Monday, if it's a long weekend). You don't think about him too much, and you're pretty sure you like him but then one day your friend will ask you where he went to school and you'll realize you don't even know if he went to school, or where he's from, or if he has a family or a dog or a house or anything apart from a functional dick and a job that leaves him free on the weekends. Again, we've covered this guy in an article before. It's called The Fuck Buddy.
How it ends: It never ends.
All it takes is one decent dick with a bank account to turn a formerly bad betch into a psycho. One minute you're living the life, ignoring texts on the reg and and generally winning and the next you're making a bonfire out of some bros undershirts and sending him late night snaps that are just you crying. You're updating your status with song lyrics and hanging around at the shitty bars he hangs around at just so he can see you "being chill." The two of you fuck occasionally and it's always really intense and then he leaves early in the morning only to be seen a day later at CVS when you go halfsies in a morning after pill. Every betch has her very own MYP to make her feel so shitty that she'll have to start a cleanse or something just to get back to normal. It's like how there's evil in the world so that humans can know goodness. It just has to be so. Read more about The One That Won't Go Away here.
As a betch, sometimes you'll pick up a boyfriend without even realizing you have one. You'll get hints that he thinks you're dating because of how he always calls you beautiful instead of hot and wants to meet his mom, but you also have better shit to do than go through all the anxiety of explaining his weirdness to him. In the meantime, he picks you up in his car a lot and pays for your drinks and is always DTF when your MYP is MIA.
How it ends: You hook up with someone else because as far as you know you're single and TYD loses his shit. High potential for crying in public. The next day you'll see that he blocked you on Facebook. You won't really care.
This a bro who you somehow agreed to date exclusively and then almost immediately realized that was a terrible idea for both of you. He's distant and busy and you dgaf and are actively still texting your back burner bro. You always end up at the same place but aside from these semi regular sleepovers you're basically just hooking up but with the benefit of being able to tell your grandma you have a boyfriend.
How it ends: One of you dumps the other, neither gives a shit.