As a longtime secret hoe (lol I’m not that secret about it) I’m constantly looking to push the envelope bring shame to my mother via my fashion choices. And the older I get the more I thrive off the challenge. High school dress code? Sorry not sorry you didn’t account for betches with small arms when you established that fingertip length rule. College? Okay, that was less of a challenge and more of a free for all, but I remember it fondly just the same. Business casual office attire? CAROL, do not start with me rn, this crop top is clearly not in violation of the dress code and let me tell you all the reasons why. And since all of my friends are suddenly throwing away their youth engaged I just know it’s time for me to take my talents to the wedding scene. I, mean, my friends are getting eternal happiness, shouldn’t I at least be able to flash some cleavage in the group photos? It really only seems fair. So because I’m thirsty AF I value my journalistic integrity I’ve decided to outline all the ways in which you can get away with looking low-key slutty at a wedding. You’re welcome.
But before we even get started, a word of advice: Do NOT take your inspiration from Forever21’s bridal section. Forever21 has been a staple in my wardrobe for the better part of a decade because that brand has a deep understanding of both my appreciation for the freshman college scene and also my desire to never pay more than $30 for an outfit. That being said, the “wedding guest” section of their website is literal garbage. For example:
This is an actual item in their “wedding guest” line and it looks like something out of one of my revenge fantasies where I show up to my ex-boyfriend’s wedding and blow up his shit one final time. The bride-to-be won’t appreciate this look, and neither will her grandmother. But thankfully, there are other ways to be less blatantly slutty. PRAISE.
1. Go For A Different Silhouette
If you’re trying to be slutty on the DL you can’t always go for what feels right, i.e. anything that shows your cleavage. The only attention that’s going to give you is from the church ladies and the one creepy groomsman who keeps watching you from the open bar. Pass. Instead go for a slightly different silhouette, like a low-cut, backless number. Maxi dresses and jumpsuits in particular are perfect for getting away with showing a little extra skin because technically you’re covering most of your body up. Plus no one can say shit about it because your boobs are 100 percent secured. Got ‘em.
2. Show Some Leg
Bella Hadid stole the show a few years back in that red dress, high-slit number and I learned a v important fashion lesson in that moment: side vagina is the new side boob. Amazing. And while maybe you don’t want to showcase your entire labia like Bella did (I, mean, save that for later when you’re three glasses of champagne deep and wondering when you’ll meet your husband on Bumble duh), showing a little leg can go a long way. If the wedding vibe is more casual and you’re afraid the slit will make you look extra AF, choose a floral print. It makes you look more fun and flirty and little less thirsty. Only a little though.
3. Embrace The Two Piece
If there’s one thing I understand in this world, it’s how to get away with wearing a crop top in “inappropriate” environments. My mother is super proud. There’s a lot of different ways to play around with the crop top look. I recommend wearing either a longer or a fuller skirt to balance out the fact that you’re showing skin up top.
4. Pick The Right Fabric
The right fabric goes a looong way toward the type of vibe you’re going for. I’m all for velvets and silks but I have to be super careful about how they fit on my body, lest someone mistake me for an extra during the precinct scene on Law & Order SVU. If you’re going to choose a daring fabric like silk then stick to looser silhouettes, which will still give off plenty of sex appeal without you looking like a cry for help.
5. Wear A Bold Color
Finally, color choice is going to be key here. If I can’t make a statement by showing skin, then my backup plan is always to visually assault wow you with the color of my dress. If you want to go for more classic hoe vibes then you should embrace the color red. It’s tried and true and what’s expected from the girl that hazed the bride in college on her 21st birthday (Hi). Yellow is another color I highly recommend.
It’s bold enough that you’ll make all your married sorority sisters jealous AF at the wedding, but cute enough that your friend’s grandma will actually think that mark on your neck is from a curling iron and not the best man five minutes ago in the bathroom. Or, you know, you could always go with white and be that girl at the wedding.
If all else fails and you’re forced to confine to society’s social standards (ew) then just let your personality do all the work for you. There’s no way they can hide that shit show in layers of chiffon and length appropriate attire.
