Movie Review: 50 Shades Of Sucks

By Golden Gate Betch

We were #blessed enough to catch a prescreening of 50 Shades of Gray this week and to save you guys two hours of your life you’ll never get back, we’ll go ahead and review the best and worst of it for you.

If you thought that 50 Shades of Grey is an escape for sad, middle-aged women who no longer experience the thrill of an active sex life or a one-night stand, you thought right. One of the most uncomfortable aspects of seeing this move in theaters isn’t just that you’re viewing soft-core porn in a dark room with a bunch of strangers, but that 80% of those strangers are someone’s mom. And they don’t even bring Capri Suns or Chewy Bars for everyone. You’re really fucking up here, moms.

Aside from the vom-worthy audience it attracts, the film itself is weak AF. Christian Grey, played by Jamie Dornan, and Anastasia Steele, played by Dakota Johnson, have little to no chemistry. Their scenes together are like watching two cousins kiss, and not just the first cousin kind. Because it feels like you’re watching something that should not be happening, it’s hard to tell which parts of the movie are supposed to be sexy and which are funny. It could really use a laugh track, but like, porn-geared.

If you happen to have been in a coma from 2011 until today and don’t already know the premise, Ana is a college student and virgin (who can’t drive) that meets a man she believes to be the ultimate billionaire Pro of her dreams, until she realizes that he’s a batshit crazy masochist who strictly engages in BDSM.

In the film, Ana’s virgin stereotype comes complete with a flip phone, unshaven legs, bush, and English Lit major (she lives in Portland so this all kind of makes sense). After knowing Christian for all of 2 weeks, she’s like “yeah sure I’ll be your sex slave, just no anal fisting— a girl has standards you know?” and puts up with his emotionally, and borderline physically, abusive behavior because she’s super in love. She has the “Mrs. Ana Grey 4ever” doodles in her Econ notebook to prove it.

Between her incredibly insecure, naïve, and dependent personality and Christian’s fucked-up misogyny, we spent most of the 2 hours deciding whom we hated more. (Christian wins by default because of his six-pack and bank account.)

For being an erotic series, the movie probably contains about 15 minutes of actual sex, which after realizing the actors' total lack of chemistry you’ll be thankful for. The best parts are the killer soundtrack with songs from The Weeknd, Ellie Goulding, and Beyonce and Dornan’s naked body. That’s about it.

If you want to see the movie, knock yourself out, but honestly going to the dentist or your cousin’s bat mitzvah would be more exciting than sitting in a dark room with a bunch of moms in a theatre that's just a little too humid for comfort.




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