November 4, 2014
As you may be aware, I get a lot of questions from girls concerning dudes. I get questions about why he won’t text you back. I get questions about why he’s so into butt stuff. I get ALL of the questions. And yet, I never get to ask any. Let’s change that.
The following are the six questions just about every guy I know has about the women in their lives. Things like…
You could have your own fries (or chips, or popcorn, or whatever) for, like, and extra $2. I will buy them for you if need be. You could even say something like “get a big one, I might want some,” and that would be cool too. But no, you say “no, I’m fine,” and then I turn around and you’re hoovering fries off my plate. Stop that. Even if you don’t want to eat them all at once, you can take them home and they heat up just fine in the toaster oven. Leave mine alone. I obviously need the extra 600 calories.
Did you know the reason they make womens’ wallets so big is that every woman is apparently required to carry credit cards to no less than 19 different retailers at once? Honestly, when was the last time you even set foot into a brick and mortar store? For Chrissakes, that’s a dELIA*s credit card I see there. That store is going out of business because no one’s shopped in one since 1998.
Look, not a lot of people know this, but I do and I’m about to share it with you: You’re supposed to wash the shampoo out of your hair. All of it. I mean, I like things that smell nice too, but if you’re washing it out of your hair how much scent is it really leaving behind? I question your motives if you spend that much time near people who are close enough to smell your hair.
That clutch you’re carrying is the approximate size and shape of a hamster. And yet, when you need to find your ID, it turns into that Tardis thing from “Doctor Who.” If it’s a bigger purse, forget it - you probably have Jimmy Hoffa’s body stashed in there and you don’t even know it. Did you know they sell purse organizers which, near as I can tell, are about as fashionable as something called a “purse organizer” could possibly be? Nevermind, that would probably get lost in there too.
Why is it always the guy’s job to pick a place to eat? Sorry, not pick - I mean offer up half a dozen choices for you to shoot down. It is impossible for someone to have that little of an opinion about what they’re putting in their mouth. I get it - it’s a lot easier to veto choices until you get a suitable one than it is to offer one yourself (I mean that’s basically what the POTUS does, and his job seems pretty easy). The thing is, guys want to do this sometimes too. We want to know what it feels like to be offered Thai food only to end up at the same Italian place we always go to 15 minutes later.
Goddamn, that is a metric shitton of apps. Do you use them all? Do you even know what they all do? There's no way. Does the Verizon guy do this for you? Does he see that you’re a woman and say “Oh, one moment miss. We’re preparing your phone to your specifications?” That “ghost radar” app is stupid anyway. I bet those aren’t even real ghosts it’s finding.
Seriously, these things are all baffling to me. Please respond with well-reasoned and properly cited answers in the comments.