June 24, 2014
As the Betches’ Social Assassin, I’m constantly looking for new targets. My psychiatrist thinks my biggest enemy is staring at me in the mirror, but what does he know? I found him off Groupon.
Me! I’m gonna be there, you transparent bitch! Whenever my tactless friend drops this social climbing slogan, I fly into a rage. Why? Oh, I don’t know, maybe because you just told me that spending time with me isn’t worth it without a special guest appearance? Who is on your golden guest list? What is your magic equation?
“It’s gonna be me, Bethenny Frankel, and that guy who refuses to answer your text messages”
When it comes to the fast-casual dining experience, I spare no expense. I’m talkin’ the bread bowl at Panera, extra Shack sauce, IDGAF. How dare you insult me by assuming I’ll think twice about that extra $2.35. The truth is, I’ll think about it many more times than that because Dad is cutting me off and the highlight of my day is stuffing my gullethole with Barbacoa.
The guy who prides himself on not smoking stogs but vacuums up bong rips is like the girl who claims she’s a virgin but lets you do anal. Yes, cigarettes are very bad for you (they also make you Euro-chic and give you an excuse to escape a boring conversation), but I just watched you inhale a cumulus cloud until you forgot your phone number. That can’t be great, “organic” or not.
So basically all of you. Jenny Johnson once tweeted “I bet Kim Kardashian has more pictures of her ass than of her baby.” And she probably does, BUT SHE’S KIM FUCKING KARDASHIAN. You’re a soft 7 from Long Island with hairy arms. I know girls need to feel pretty and special, but there’s less goofy ways than smoldering glances captured by your housekeeper. By the way, the hashtag is a way to create a global conversation. #BocaSelfie is not gonna become a trending topic.
And anyone who knows what that is. Moving on.
As a comedian and writer and overall insensitive person, I’ve noticed this trend of “racial policing”. Anytime a joke is made or fact is cited about race, a handful of commenters instantly slam their MacBook keys and cry injustice. These are typically guilty-feeling white people whose major interaction with another culture was getting shitfaced in Prague. Racism and Sexism are very real, no doubt. But embracing the funny specifics or the sad truths of our differences is the way to bring us closer together, not instantly tagging “racist” on anyone who dares to be honest. Wow, I don’t know what came over me. Sorry, back to more kale jokes.
Are you a fan of these people? Who can you do without? Leave your thoughts, suggestions and angry “THIS SITE USED TO BE MORE BETCHY AND SHIT!!” comments below!!