The 7 People A Betch Meets In Class (When She Does Go To Class)

By Sgt. Olivia Betchson

1. The Suck-up

This would be the “Teacher’s Pet” if you were alive in the 1950’s. On The Brady Brunch, the Suck-Up would be that kid that brings the teacher a shiny red apple in the morning, but this is 2014 now and no one does that shit, obviously. Nowadays the suck-up is the kid who raises his hand to ask a question, but all he’s doing is repeating literally everything the professor just said, verbatim, to try to sound “smart” and like “he’s absorbing the teachings of the class.” He’ll usually follow up his “questions” with a comment to the professor like “hmm, that is smart,” as if he’s sucking the professor’s dick in private instead of doing the verbal equivalent in front of an entire lecture hall who just wants to slap the shit out of this TTH.

2. Class Clown

I was totally the “class clown” in this research-oriented class because when I signed up I didn’t realize it was meant for science students, and by the time I figured it out, it was way too late to GTFO. Even though I was kind of the butt of every joke because I never knew wtf was going on, it was still pretty fun to not give any fucks and say whatever I wanted for an hour and fifteen minutes, twice a week. And I still somehow got an A, turn down for what. To the class clowns everywhere: we thank you for your humble service to keeping things not boring AF.

3. The Ass Clown

This person is just a giant fucking asshole all around. Like, take all the most cringe-worthy aspects of everyone else on this list, mix together in a large bowl, and pepper with condescension and a hugely over-inflated sense of self-worth.

4. The Riddler

The Riddler acts like it’s the Passover Seder and he/she’s assigned to do the Mah Nishtanah, except we only wish he/she would stop at four questions. Every time this person raises their hand, the entire class does a collective eye roll and as the semester wears on it gets progressively harder to stifle the urge to bust out laughing. Not that The Riddler would notice if you did, since their head is so far up their own ass. Protip: fake coughing gets me out of a laughing fit every time. I also recommend keeping a running list of all the moronic questions The Riddler has asked throughout the semester. Laugh about it with your friends, or start an anonymous Twitter account in their name, you can't go wrong either way.

5. The Lawyer

Not an actual lawyer (although I’m sure this person exists in law school); this is the guy that feels the need to argue with literally every. Single. Thing. that comes up during the lesson. “But you can’t say for sure that 2 + 2 is four because what are numbers, anyway? That + sign is just a symbol we use to designate ‘addition’ but could mean anything, really, like for instance the Red Cross, so in reality, the limit does not exist…” Yo, you want to say to The Lawyer, you will not get leprosy and die if you just admit that the person you’re paying thousands of dollars to teach this course might be right about something. STFU before I shank you.

6. The Girl Who’s Always Hungover

AKA the betch. Find this girl. Befriend her. Commiserate together while you try your hardest not to puke into a nearby trashcan or shoe.

7. The Invisible Man

We all know the Invisible Man; it’s that guy who only shows up at the final, maybe. It’s kind of a running joke between the professor and everyone in the class, like, is this guy real? Is he ever going to show up? Nah, 20 bucks says he’ll only show up for the final. At least, that’s what you heard, since you obv haven’t been to class since the midterm.




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