By now, you’re all well aware that we’re in the middle of wedding season. Your Facebook has turned from a live Food Network stream into The fucking Knot and your social calendar has a lot less Netflix and Papa John’s and a lot more “Tara and Timmy get hitched!!!” It sucks because you have to pretend to have feelings and shit for a few hours, but like, at least you get free food and booze. You win some, you lose some, amiright? And because we don’t want our readers and fellow betches to be the fucking worst at all their friends’ weddings, here’s a list of shit you absolutely cannot do.
1. Not Bring A Gift
I wish I didn’t have to say this, but here we fucking are. These people, or their parents at least, have spent a shit ton of money for your ass to be there so like, bring a damn present. You don’t have to go nuts and like, buy a $500 Japanese knife set so your sorority big can fillet a fish like Morimoto, but come on. You can put 50 bucks in an envelope. Trust me, when it’s your turn you’ll wanna murder the people who came and drank all your booze and didn’t give you jack shit.
2. Eat Too Much
Tbh, the food is paid for so it’s not like this is tacky or rude, but this is just general advice to live by when you’re dressed up and trying to look hot in front of old friends—the same friends you’re trying to convince that you’re perfectly happy being single. No one wants to see a girl in an LBD with a gut. Not to mention, there’s a photographer somewhere running rampant taking candids and you don’t want to get a surprise photo tag in a month or two of you stuffing your face with prime rib.
3. Get Overly Emotional
You and the bride may have nailed “Wagon Wheel” at karaoke sophomore year, but that’s no reason for you to fucking sob during the ceremony, first dance and toasts. Like, calm the fuck down, Denise. First of all, you look crazy and you’re messing up your makeup. Second of all, we all see right through it. Are you crying because you’re just SO happy for the new Mr. & Mrs. or is it more because you just turned 29 and your grandma mentioned your eggs dying at a bar mitzvah last weekend? I think we all know it’s the latter…
4. Try To Match The Bridesmaids
It doesn’t get much more pathetic than this. The bride didn’t care enough about you to put you in the wedding, so you shouldn’t try to make yourself look like a bridesmaid understudy by matching the color palette. Just wear something tight and black and keep it moving. Don’t embarrass yourself.
5. Freak TF Out Over the Bouquet
Also under the category of “Thirsty AF” is the broad who loses her fucking mind over catching bouquet. Before I even get started with how insane you look, let’s talk about the fact that that’s the stupidest tradition of all time. Catch a bundle of flowers and your fuckboy pseudo-BF will all of a sudden feel compelled to marry you? Yeah. Probs not. And then the creepy stranger that catches the sweaty used garter puts it on you? Fucking gross. Anyway, when you push all the other single ladies out of the way and lunge for the bouquet, everyone thinks you’re more desperate than Ginnifer Goodwin in a rom-com and your date is going to start putting together an escape plan asap.
6. Be The Biggest Lush There
You will never in your life read an advice column of mine that says “don’t drink too much.” IMO, there’s no such thing. Live your truth. The key at weddings is to simply not be the drunkest person out of everyone. No one remembers the girl that was kinda plastered but not as much someone else. So pound a few glasses of pinot and a signature cocktail or five, but just keep your eye on the best man or the FOB and stay a couple drinks behind at all times.
7. Wear Something Trashy and/or White
The white thing should go without saying, but I’m just putting it there so all my bases are covered. It’s non-negotiable. Do not do it. Also, blush, ivory, champagne, eggshell, and any other color that you’re probably wondering if it counts is a no too. Next, and less obvi, is wearing something slutty. In addition to saying “don’t drink too much,” I will also never say “don’t look hot and steal the show.” You should always do that. However, you don’t wanna look like you’re trying to upstage the bride. It should look like you’re not even trying and you’re just naturally that attractive. Honestly, if you took this advice and applied it to everything, it wouldn’t be a terrible idea.
8. Pressure Your Date to Marry You
Okay, just because your bestie since middle school just got married doesn’t mean you and your S.O. are ready for that shit. I get it. You start to catch the feels and you’re not used to that so you assume it means you want to get married, move to the suburbs and start a family. This is a lie. Take all those emotions and ignore the shit out of them until you’re sober and the wedding feelings are long gone. If after at least a week, you still wanna throw your life away get married, maybe try to talk about it. But chances are you’ll come to your senses.
