July 6, 2011
Fuck Rotten Tomatoes and their bullshit rating system (other than Bridesmaids being legit), Bad Teacher was seriously the betchiest (read: best) movie since Mean Girls. Other than the fact that it was like, Wedding Crashers level hilarity (Note: this means it was slightly less funny than the original Hangover), there are soo many reasons why this movie just oozes betchiness.
If you didn't see the movie, we don't recommend you read any further. Not because we're spoiling anything you can't guess from the previews, but because you'll probably be bored and won't have a fucking clue what we're talking about.
Why we liked it: The movie was packed with mind games, arch nemeses, betch brawls, and Cam Diaz definitely not doing any fucking work.
And it definitely had elements of Clueless. It was sooo Cher Horowitz when Cam was telling the fat ugly teacher how to flirt with those hidayous cowboys. The look on her face when she saw them dancing was textbook Cher and Dion admiring Mr. Hall and Ms. Geist. Old people can be soo sweet!
Let's talk about Cameron Diaz. Too bad we already forgot her character's name. She was the ultimate betch in every way possible, but the thing that we loved most about her was her extreme #24 insensitivity. And narcissism. She was two steps ahead of literally every single other person for the entire movie.
Cam's major downfall - She was like, too betchy for her own good. So betchy that she lost her #62 Pro even though they were already engaged because she was too insensitive to know that his birthday was that day.
(Side note: Betches, when we tell you to find a Pro to make your husband, we don't mean you should be settling for just anyone with a fat wallet, you should actually like this person. That said, he should still like you more.)
The plot involved scheming, manipulation, betch brawling, and shit talking. Let's discuss the feud between Cam and the red haired freak, who was conveniently already #9 nicknamed Squirrel. Actually no, we'd much rather just talk shit about Squirrel for being the headcase she was.
The. Fucking. Worst. She was simultaneously a nice girl, but like casually the #25 arch nemesis and turned out to be extremely manipulative and a definite #7 BSCB. We get the vibe the actress will be seen next on either SNL or in the next Judd Apatow movie. Bitch has the ugly-funny thing down to a tee.
The Justin Timberlake/love triangle thing: We sometimes like Justin Timberlake, but he was such a fucking tool in this movie. We get it, that was his character, but seriously he was soooo lame. Other than the fact that he was rich, he dressed like a weirdo, had terrible game, and was obviously a #33 nice guy trying to play a bro. You can't pull off being straight if you're going to both act like an extreme tool and maintain that high-pitched tone. No Justin, just no.
We get why Cam was slightly into him, with the whole big fish-small pond thing going on at work, and the fact that he told her he wasn't ready to date. Plus she was already an established gold digger and one of his ambiguous relatives conveniently owned a fictitious but probably expensive watch company.
But the fact that he was into Squirrel?! This sealed the coffin on his sanity. She wasnt even remotely able to pass as normal to the point that anyone who was into her romantically was also obviously fucking nuts.
The gym teacher snuck up on us a little. In the beginning we assumed he was a nice guy. But no, he was actually a hilarious and chill fucking bro and was totally D to get wasted and smoke weed at all times. Betches, it quickly became clear to us that this man was not only #19 ugly hot but he was kind of a fucking badass.
Part that bothered us: What to say about the fact that the whole movie was centered around Cam getting money for fake tits? We're not really into that because betches are born hot enough already, but we respect a betch with a goal and we realize this was just a plot device conjured up by stupid Hollywood producers. We get it, why not reap the full benefits of the R-rating and appeal to bros by making half of a movie about Cameron Diaz's boobs?
Also it was unrealistic that her ex fiance pro had such horrible teeth. Hello, veneers.
Our favorite part: Though the plot of this movie was slightly absurd, the actual dialogue was so fucking real. That part when Cam was telling the ugly fat kid in the gymnatics sweatshirt that he would never get with the popular girl, and probably not with any girl at least until college. Honestly, she couldn't have said it better. No one points out these things in life, like ever, but Cam was betchy enough to #1 talk shit to his face and not behind his back. We liked that about her.
So betches we highly recommend you see Bad Teacher, it's one of those movies you don't even have to be high for it to be fucking hysterical. +10.