94. All Things British

By The Betches

There’s a reason that like, five of our Betches of the Week are British (and happened to be named Kate). This is because betches love British people, British shit, and basically all things British.

Why the obsession with people from a country that’s not number one?

Being British gives you the ability to seem classy and elegant even if you’re not. If a British person is trashy, they seem like, ten times classier than any American. Ever seen the British version of The Office?

austin powersCould he BE anymore attractive?

Even though we think #63 America is the more attractive side of the Atlantic, our love for Brits is largely in part about the accent. Throw any guy with an English accent our way and he’s automatically a million times hotter. The accent can make a person go from somewhat boring to die-laughing hysterical. Imagine Lisa Vanderpump or Russell Brand without their accents. You’ll just be left with an old lady in a pink dress who makes out with her dog and a hobo.

The English accent also makes anyone seem smarter and more charming, two qualities that signify a #62 Pro.

There is a reason why when someone tries to imitate any accent other than the English one, they sound like Borat. This is because Spanish and Italian (etc) accents are kind of nauseating, something we know from our experiences #3 abroad. Meanwhile English-based accents (be it Irish, Scottish, or Australian) are hot.

For instance, Prince Harry and William would be #19 ugly hot if they were American but instead they’re just hot because they’re British princes. It’s some sort of royal fucking touch. If it were JFK or Alec Baldwin in ugly-hot-question, he’d have to do something about his receding hairline.

And think about this one: Most British people have bad teeth because their dentists are probably too busy getting laid.

Let’s talk about the country we shadily wish we lived in if it weren’t so fucking cold.

Britain is like a fucking fantasy land. The idea of having tea at Harrods is a great reason to chill and #36 not do work, and living there would be the only reason we’d agree to live a life without #54 iced coffee.

Also, their food’s shitty so that’s a sure way to boost your #5 diet. We like the idea of a lunch consisting of um, tea.

queen elizShe's prob thinking "Kate could totally lose like 5 lbs"

Finally, a place where it’s possible to get a job as a literal Queen…? Sign us the fuck up. The Queen is a huge betch even though she’s old. Someone design the betch some enormous royal #60 sunglasses to complete her DGAF vibe.

On top of that, everything in England is really expensive and therefore exclusive. They even have their own amazing currency that’s better than everyone else’s.

Like even though they don’t use the Euro they’re still in the European Union, which is kind of like joining a club and refusing to wear the uniform because you’re too hot for it. That’s betchy.

Oh and can somebody say Top Shop?

So Monday may have been Labor Day, a reason for feeling patriotic and proud of our country a random three-day weekend, today is the day for #1 talking shit. Great Britain is like America’s less dramatic, betchy older sister. She used to own us (Okay whatever, she like invented us), but we grew up and got a lot cooler. She may be pastier than you, but there’s still a little part of you who idolizes her and longs for her Burberry raincoat.


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