I’ve had a lot of blackouts in my day, but none that cost me a quarter mil, unlike these idiots in Kona. Last week they had no matches, and now angry alternative music is playing and Rashida is crying. She’s like “I came from nothing and now I am losing money! I hate losing money!” Note to self: Never bring Rashida to a casino.
Chuck is crying over Hannah not being his match and it’s like, okay she was way too hot for you anyway. He’s really upset about losing the only girl “he connected with” and Hannah consoles him by hugging him while in a side-boob showing dress. There there, poor Chuck. Here, take some side boob. That’ll make you feel better.
Nelson, the missing Wayans brother, is hammered and is super pissed that Cheyenne isn’t his match. Cheyenne, however, has a fucking brain and is like “it’s a fucking game, that’s it.”
Austin, one of the hidden mythical cast members of the season, makes an appearance is like “We need strategy. We need a game plan.” So this is what MTV does. They tell all the people with an IQ that’s higher than their age to all go hide until episode 3, meanwhile wasting all our time in the first two episodes on morons like Kiki and Devin. Well played, MTV.
Speaking of dumb and dumber, Kiki and Devin continue “sneaking around” and they do this by making out in front of everyone. NAILED IT. Devin is secretly thrilled they all got a blackout because obviously they’re all going down with this ship.
Devin: “Everyone sucks. So it makes it better for me. Because, initially I sucked. And now we all suck. LOL”
Amanda/Freckles and Magic Mike are in the corner saying their fucking wedding vows and Mike starts crying in the house. He’s like “I need to get it together” and everyone at home is like “pull your fucking tampon out Mike.”
With all the crying and Nelson’s glassy-eyed ramblings it’s clear to see that one blackout isn’t enough for this group and they’re obviously all hammered.
Ryan Devlin is trying to be super optimistic and because he just screwed them out of 250,000 and is like “you have to follow your hearts on this!” They should just name this show “Fuck the Money, Follow Your Heart” or some other stupid shit like that.
Anyway, the boys have to stack tires on the girl’s poles of whom they want to take on a date. The last dude with a tire on the pole gets a date.
Brittni, or however the fuck you spell her damn name because no one on this show spells their names normally (Seriously? Chelsey?), comes out of the woodwork in this episode. She’s like “please for the love of god don’t let me get Hunter”, proving that she is one of the smart people who has been hidden for a few episodes.
Ryan Devlin narrates it like “Alec is the only one going for Kayla!” LOL, no need to tip-toe around feelings there.
Chuck is going for Kiki, for some unknown reason, and Zak swoops delivering the best line of the night “I don’t care about the date with Kiki, I just want to see Hawaii.” Zak, you’re my perfect match. Leave these bitches and let’s go see Hawaii together.
Chuck goes out with Amanda and Magic Mike goes out with Brittni.
When they go home, the boys have to cater to the girls in their underwear because they lost a bet. Hunter, poor, sweet, socially-retarded little Hunter, is checking himself out in pink boxer briefs and then walks out with a sock in his junk. Or so we think. Big Dick Hick- Hunter, want a new instagram name?
Hunter: “I want someone who loves me for my heart, body and soul” *stuff a sock into underwear and shrugs*
Chuck and Kiki are in the hot tub and talking about how they would be a match and it’s like ok, I don’t fucking care. Meanwhile, Hannah is shit talking Kiki for being a fucking sloot and trying to hone in on Chuck. Obviously because it’s MTV, they have to confront each other about it. Hannah is being a little over sensitive, but Kiki makes me want to shove my face into a blender, so #TeamHannah it is.
Hannah is like “I’m so hurt and I don’t trust you anymore.” If I had a fucking nickel for every time I heard that line on an MTV show, I would be able to pay back all these idiots the 250k they lost.
Hunter is doing what he does best and bugging the girls who have no interest in him. He whips out his dick because obviously his mother was too busy milking the cows to teach him proper etiquette, and shockingly, the girls see that he does in fact have a large penis.
Girls: Wow, that’s actually really surprising. We totally didn’t believe you at all.
Hunter: Thanks? Yee-haw.
Amanda bitches about how she would rather be with Mike the whole time and it’s annoying AF. No longer is Freckles my favorite person on the show, that spot is officially now reserved for Ryan Devlin.
Kiki and Zak have the world’s most awkward date. I’ve literally had a deeper connection with a piece of lasagna than they have with each other.
Mike is still in love with Amanda/Freckles and Brittni is like, are you fucking kidding me, you’ve known her for like 10 days. So here it is Mike, plain and simple: Pull your head out of your ass, it’s not a hat.
The other cast mates had to choose a couple to go in the truth booth and they choose Kiki and Zak, which is actually shocking. It’s pretty evident to everyone at home that Zak and Kiki pretty much have zero interest in each other, so this oughta be easy. It’s also very clear that everyone is just trying to force Kiki out of the fucking house.
Kiki and Zak pray to God they aren’t a match and lucky for them, they aren’t. That’s right, NO MATCH. They leave the truth booth hugging and laughing, better friends now than they were before.
Austin, the hipster-Harry Potter-looking mother fucker, is like EVERYONE HERE IS STUPID AF WE NEED TO START PLAYING THE GAME.
Austin starts to convince Connor to go for Chelsey, instead of Kayla, who has already been declared not a match. Connor agrees and starts talking to Chelsey, which makes Kayla mad. Also, if you close your eyes Connor’s voice sounds a lot like Seth Rogen’s, which makes me take him even less seriously. They talk about how Chelsey wants to be a psychologist and how it’s perfect, because Connor is fucking crazy.
Chelsey: “I work as a rehab nurse and Connor is a druggie! We’re in love!”
Meanwhile, Austin is the corner smiling to himself and drumming his fingers together whispering “my evil plan is falling into place.”
Stacey and Alec are hanging out and he’s like “SHE’S SO CLINGY!” and she’s like “THIS IS WHAT LOVE FEELS LIKE”. Alec thinks he’s so cool for being a huge dick to Stacey and it’s like, okay you’re not hot enough to be this big of a douchebag. She’s trying to kiss him and he acts like he’s being bitten by a fucking snake.
Mike and Amanda continue to be couple and they fuck again in the boom-boom room because learning lessons and making sense is so overrated.
So the girls get to pick this time and it starts with Chelsey. She picks Connor, even though he’s like “I still like Kayla.” BUILD A FUCKING BRIDGE AND GET OVER IT YOU GIANT WALKING BABY FACE.
Kiki picks Chuck. Hannah is like, ugh, fuck that girl. Agreed Hanz.
Amanda comes up and Ryan Devlin is like are you seriously still fucking around with Mike? Are you that dumb? This is the fertility vase of the ndebele tribe, does that mean nothing to you?
Ryan’s obviously over this bullshit and Amanda freaks the fuck out. Ryan is about to slap this bitch down like the hand of god, and scolds her like a father would to his slutty teenage daughter- “Be careful what you say.”
Amanda: FUCK YOU RYAN! YOU’RE NOT ON OUR SIDE! YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Ryan: Honestly hoe? Honestly?
Magic Mike defends Amanda, because even the special needs cast mates have to uphold the buddy system. Devin laughs his ass off and calls Amanda/Mike the “two biggest hypocrites in American history.” He likes to use that “in American History” line a lot. Devin, unless you have a fucking degree in American History or are George fucking Washington reincarnated, I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR IT.
Amanda picks Austin, who is like “this girl is a psycho.”
Rashida picks Devin because he “makes her laugh”. Yeah, well cats chasing a laser pointer make me laugh too, maybe they are my soul mates.
Melanie picks Nelson, so yeah.
Hannah picks Zak, which I’m rooting for because they are both bae.
Cheyenne picks Tyler, which I also fully support.
Kayla gets up and starts talking about Connor. In the words of Adele Dezeem, LET IT GO, LET IT GO. Chelsey holds on to her relevance and is like “LOL, he don’t like you no more!” God, I bet she’s going to make a great psychologist one day.
Kayla ends up picking Mike, Jersey Shore’s couple of the year.
Stacey picks Alec, who very visibly wants to throw himself off the nearest cliff.
Brittni is last and boy, she comes in hot. Shots are fired from Brittni and it’s fantastic. She’s like “all these people here are fucking idiots and are not actually in love because again, YOU ARE ALL IDIOTS.” Drops mic, kicks chair. Brittni, my spirit animal of the episode.
Brittni: “It’s week three. Your heart isn’t in it. Stop acting like you’re in love”
Ryan Devlin: “PREACH GIRL.”
Brittani and Hunter match up, and they look straight up fucking miserable. God bless.
They get a total of 3 MATCHES. That’s better than zero, but still an F.
Ryan Devlin: “3 match ups, third week. You’re all still stupid as fuck but technically speaking you’re on the right track.”