Ask A Pro: Does Birthday Sex Count As A Present For My Boyfriend?

By Head Pro

Dear Head Pro,

I read your advice like it’s my life and you always seem to know what to do. I've been seeing this guy for a little over a month and our relationship is exclusive hookup/borderline dating -- we've been out on one official date and have spent a lot of time together. His bday is coming up super soon and I have NO IDEA what to get him. I really want it to work out between us (i.e. don't want there to be any pressure because that does more harm than good) and don't want to get the wrong thing and disappoint him/freak him out. I also don't want it to look like I'm trying too hard but want to make sure I show the right amount of effort. He knows I like him but I've never actually told him that. He is super generous to me and I don't want him to see what I give him as me being cheap. Do I go for the sexy or sweet? What should be my budget? More importantly, given our current stage in the relationship what is the most appropriate gift to give? Plz help, I'm dying here.

Birthday Sex or what....

Dear Sure, Why Not,

Man, birthdays are really fucking weird, when you think about it. They make sense for children -- kids are dumb and don’t accomplish anything and thus are largely (and rightly) ignored, so it’s nice to let them have a special day once in a while. But as adults? It’s like, “Congratulations, you made it another 365 days in a first-world country without dying! Let’s all go out to an annoying group dinner (split checks plz).” Adding sex to the equation makes it even weirder -- “My vagina is available to you on demand, but how about I get you something you’d ACTUALLY like?”

I don’t think the needlessly delicate nature of your relationship matters (as an aside, if you’re hanging out and fucking on the reg and yet you think telling him you like him will torpedo the relationship, stop and think for a minute about what that says about him). It should be somewhat personal, and should reflect the fact that you’re in an intimate relationship -- an Applebee’s gift card ain’t gonna cut it, not that it ever does. As for budget, that depends on where you are in life. If you’re broke-ass college students, I’d say keep it under $50. If you’re real adults, keep it under $100.

My vote is a nice bottle of booze, his favorite if you’re privy to that information. If you’re in college, replace “nice bottle of booze” with “a case of beer that’s not Natty Light.” A girl I was dating in college got me one of those once (Miller High Life -- THE CHAMPAGNE OF BOTTLED TEARS), and it was at least two weeks before I dumped her and started fucking someone else. Otherwise, get him a bottle of scotch, actually go out for dinner, and maybe let him touch your butthole or something.

Feliz Cumpleanos,

Head Pro

Hey Head Pro,

I recently moved to a new city where I didn't previously know anyone for grad school. I've made some good friends at school, but it’s been pretty boring (read: nonexistent) on the guy front and I don't want to shit where I eat since 1. grad school is basically high school all over again and the rumor mill is an active one, and 2. I spend enough fucking time with these people and it would be nice to date someone outside the bubble.

Any tips on how to meet people thats not a blackout at a bar situation or on a dating app? I'm also super busy with school so it's not like I've got plenty of time to dedicate, but I'm going a little crazy from boredom so I need some sort of remedy. Help me with your infinite wisdom!

Bored in the Bubble

Dear Bubble Girl,

Christ, what grad school do you go to where it’s “basically high school?” If that’s the case, can we all stop putting on airs and and accept grad school for the tremendous time- and money-suck that it is (unless you intend to add a PhD to the end of your name, that is)? This is the endgame of the stupid educational arms race we’re experiencing, where every mouth-breathing townie feels like they have to have an advanced degree to qualify for a job as a bank teller. There are still ditches that need to be dug, y’know?

Anyway, I’m a little baffled as to how you’re unable to meet people on a college campus in a major city. If I found myself in that situation, I would literally die from sexual exhaustion, and probably flunk out of my Masters in Organic Social Community Building. WORTH IT. You’re also doing that fun thing where you expressly state that you aren’t interested in taking advantage of the convenient resources that most people appreciate (i.e., bars, dating apps and your social circle). That’s like saying “I don’t believe in killing animals and I don’t like the taste of meat, but I want a hamburger -- please advise.”

Since I’m assuming you’re on or near campus, there are probably about 1,000 groups, clubs and activities you could get involved in. There are also recreational and intramural sports, if you’re the sporting type. Unfortunately, anything like that is going to demand some of your time (which you’ll have plenty of after your first year, if you don’t already), but again you’re sour on the resources that don’t. What do you do for fun? Do you paint? Jog? Write? Yoga? Act out erotic Scream Queens fan fiction in your living room? Whatever it is you’re into, I guarantee there’s a like-minded group of students (both grad and undergrad) who are into the same things.

That will entail mixing your personal hobbies with your love life, but sometimes you have to make some compromises to get what you want in life -- like going to grad school, for instance.

Scholarly Kisses,

Head Pro

Head Pro is required wants to answer your questions about life, love and birthday sex. Email him at [email protected] for advice.




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