Ask a Pro

By The Betches

Dear Head Pro,

Here I am in the last months of high school, smoking copious amounts of weed and waiting for finals. Next year I'm going to an Ivy full of many bros (soon to be pros) worthy of my attention. However, coming from a High School full of losers, and being highly competent in the art of not fucking bros, I have only actually had sex with one guy. The feedback was overwhelmingly positive, but because he was fairly whipped I take it with a large dose of salt. I'm having severe anxiety about being bad in bed next year, when I won't be too good for everyone else. My idea is to ask a semi-hot back burner bro who I'm friends with to fuck a few times and get constructive criticism. Obviously this would be like, the best thing to ever happen to him. Is this grimy/sketchy, or is this rational?

Please advise,

Too Cool for School

Dear Too Cool for School,

A few things:

1) Congratulations on your Ivy League matriculation! Only four years to go until you find yourself in a soul-crushing finance

1) First and foremost, neither of these guys sound like bros. No bro gets into a fight with a friend (let alone a coworker) over a new girl who neither one of them has even so much as kissed. Also, bros don't fucking email girls (over their fucking work email, no less) to tell them that they had dreams about them. Are you dealing with a MGB?

2) Your main guy is never, ever going to leave his girlfriend for you. Ever. Think about it. They've been dating for three years and they live together. It sounds like he's closer to trading in his bro card for good and getting married than he is to throwing away three years of his life for a first-year analyst at the fucking accounting firm he leaves a little bit of his soul at every day. Even if he does, you're already aware of the consequences: a fellow betch's life thrown through the ringer all because you're too fucking lazy to find a guy outside of your office. Plus, if he'd do it her, he'd do it to you. Regardless of what happens, it should be a moot point because"

3) Don't ever, under any circumstances, date a coworker. It's unprofessional and unseemly, and something tells us the bro you like is just a former SAB who's settled down at home but bored at work. Sure, things like one-off trips to pound town or even short flings happen after a few too many drinks at happy hour, but that's an entirely different situation. You're talking about a genuine relationship, with a guy who's further up the ladder than you. How would you intend to avoid accusations of favoritism every time you get a raise or promotion? What if you're smarter than him and find yourself in a situation where you've climbed faster than him and you're both vying for the same position? There are around 150 million men in this country. Find one outside your company if you value your career, which you claim to. That brings me to my last point

4) I've worked at places like the firm you're at, where everyone is young and all up in everyone else's business. It's fun for a while, but it's not the kind of place you want to be if you take work seriously. The fact that the partners are aware of all these ridiculous shenanigans and haven't fucking fired one of you is a testament to how flippant they are with the business. You've already managed to muddy the waters at this job, so I would suggest you keep your ear to the ground for positions at other firms.

Finally, the only thing you can do is to send both of these guys, in writing, a message clearly stating that you are not and will not pursue any kind of romantic relationship with either of them, despite any prior impressions they may have had. That's the only thing I can think of that will help if HR decides to bring the hammer down on you.

Hugs and Kisses,

Head Pro.

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