Ask a Pro

By The Betches

Dear Pro,

I'm a recent college grad and I guess I'm looking for a job. Anyways in my interviews I usually go for a "nice girl" approach. I trick them into thinking I'm sweet and boring, then I surprise them later by being hilarious and loud. But I was thinking this is real job time and being a betch will get you further, being cut-throat, out-smarting nice girls to get them to do your work , etc. So should I show that side of me at the interview or hit them with it later?


Fake Betch

Dear Fake Betch,

While I appreciate getting an email that isn�t all �blah blah blah why doesn�t he like me� for once, neither of your approaches make any fucking sense. I�ve seen German porn that makes more sense than you, and I don�t even speak German.

First of all, �tricking� people into thinking you�re lame and then being �hilarious (because people who describe themselves that way always are) and loud� isn�t going to do anything but convince people that you�re fucking insane . What must your coworkers think? �Yeah, she seemed fine when we hired her, but now she acts like she�s fucking Whitney Cummings, only somehow less funny�.

Secondly, why on earth would anyone want to hire a girl who comes of as someone who�s bitchy and will try to undermine them? Yeah, when I think of a model employee, I�m absolutely thinking of someone who would be miserable to work with because they�re constantly trying to claw their way to the top. Besides, I don�t remember when being cut-throat was in any way related to being a betch. Always scheming to one-up your coworkers sounds like a shitload of work to me.

When people make hiring decisions, they�re going to take into account the fact that they�re going to end up spending 40+ hours per week with you. So don�t �show� them any �side� of you. Be professional, be charming, and quit with the schizophrenic bullshit.

Business Handshakes,

Head Pro____________________________________________________

Dear Pro,

Going back a few months to the week of binge drinking and questionable morals that is Spring Break , I made a slutty decision which has been haunting be ever since.

One of the nights we went to a beach party and were obviously wasted from the day and were acting like champions being intoxicated for a good 12 straight hours. At this beach party I was flirting it up with some hot bro for like the whole time. He was deff a pro-in-training, so when we ended up in a beach cabana I wasn't opposed. I had all intentions of going to pound town with this pro since i was on spring break and all the tequila inside of me wanted to do him also. As our actions progressed he stopped, got out of the cabana and said he'd be right back.

Two seconds later he AND his fellow good looking friend were BOTH in the cabana with me�a threesome was about to occur. After a few moments of horror from how my evening was unfolding I allowed the act(s) to unfold. All in all, I had a great time, although making sure they weren't locking eyes while the events were occurring in constant fear of them being more into each other than me was a struggle.

Basically, my betchy besties won't stop harassing me about this tequila induced threesome with two random pros I will never meet again. Everytime anything sexual comes into convo its�"well you had a threesome�.". So, is a betch allowed to involve herself in this kind of thing? Even if it was spring break? And, just for my sanity�do you think these pros were into this for the conquest---or because they were into each other? I know guys are always down for a threesome with two girls, but what�s the protocol with two bros and one betch?


that threesome betch

Dear Threesome Betch,

Ah, the Eiffel Tower. The A-frame. The rotisserie. High-fiving. There�s nothing quite like a good, wholesome Devil�s 3-way to tell the world how classy you are.

One thing I want to know is how the fuck were you even able to check if they were �locking eyes�? Think about the ways you can stuff two dongs into a girl � making eye contact with one, let alone both of them is damn near impossible. And no, they weren�t more into each other than they were you. If that was the case they would�ve just fucked each other. Personally, I wouldn�t touch a Devil�s 3-way with a 10-ft pole. Not once have I ever been banging and thought �You know what would make this better? More dick.� It sounds like these guys were just shitfaced and looking for a story to tell.

As for what you�re allowed to involve yourself in, that�s not for me to say but understand that most people will see getting DP�ed by two complete strangers as probably the single most objectively slutty thing a girl can do. So, yea�. If I were your friends I wouldn�t let it go either. The biggest question is why the fuck would you tell them? What you do in your bedroom is your business, especially if it�s something pretty disgusting like that. Maybe if you weren�t such an attention whore and didn�t blab to your friends about something that you knew damn well would warrant that exact response you wouldn�t be in this mess.

So no, there is no �protocol� for two guys and a girl. If you�re into that, that�s your prerogative and keep in mind that everyone�s sex life seems weird to someone else. Just don�t expect a lot of high-fives (not that kind) if you choose to publicize it.

Air Kisses (I�m not going anywhere near that mouth),

Head Pro

For more douchey advice email [email protected] and follow @BetchesHeadPro on Twitter!

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