Ask a Pro

By The Betches

Dear Pro,

I am a senior in high school and am about to graduate. There is one problem though. I am still a virgin, and have only ever made out with a guy once, because when it comes to doing physical stuff with boys, I get nervous. I've obviously never had a problem getting guys, obviously, I'm a total betch, however things never work out because I back away before we can get physical, and I know that's totally not betchy. I'm nervous about going into college without any experience. Should I just get it over with? And is it bad for a betch to have not lost her virginity by now?


Dear �,

First of all, you can sign a name or an alias. Me having something to refer to you as doesn�t mean we�re going to fuck. Secondly, chill out. I�ll explain.

One thing to keep in mind through this is that it�s nobody�s fucking business who you have or have not done what with � particularly going in to college where you won�t know many (or any) people. One advantage of being a girl is that there�s no shame in not having taken a ride on the fuckcoaster, whereas for guys it�s seen as a negative thing. I promise you, many (if not most) betches end up having their first time in college, so you won�t be any kind of weird anomaly. Also, guys don�t really talk about a girl�s level of experience or how good she is in bed. Even if you�re not, a fun fact is that it won�t stop guys from wanting to fuck you. Besides, given that it�s the only fucking way we have to ensure the survival of our species, you might be surprised at how intuitive it is. That said, don�t just �get it over with�. I�m not going to lie to you and tell you that your first time will be magical, but it�s a big step and you�ll remember it for a long time. It�ll happen when it feels right for it to happen, but make sure it�s with someone you�re comfortable with and is up to the task of breaking in a virgin. Lots of guys claim to be, but few really are.

More importantly, you may want to ask yourself why you�ve been so reluctant to engage in anything physical this whole time. It�s normal to be nervous about crossing boundaries you�ve never crossed before, but it�s also normal to have an urge to be touched in some places. I�d explore that before you even think about going to pound town.

Kisses (on the cheek),

Head Pro______________________________________________________________________

Dear Head Pro

So my name is [Redacted], I live in Hoboken, NJ which is a fun, young, sexy yuppie town located across the Hudson River over looking Manhattan� I am a young, pretty, fun girl who works in the city and doesn't have time for the bullshit guys always have to give. What my main question is, is why does every guy think you are trying to date them?? Do they ever think that we are just trying to get laid as well? Do girls in general give off a perception that they are always on the lookout for a boyfriend? Girls need booty calls as well ya know? Why does it just have to be the guy who can get the booty call? So if the girl does the late night phone call does that make her a slut in the guy�s eyes? Tell me everything and be brutally honest--- that's the reason why i love BetchesLoveThisBro.

Love always,[Redacted]

Dear [Redacted],

Christ, first you girls aren�t giving me a name at all, and now you�re leaving your real one that I can�t even publish. I know where Hoboken is thank you (much as I�d like to un-know it), and if I ever hear anyone refer to it as �fun� or �sexy� again I�m going to fucking vomit.

To answer your question, guys think girls want to date them because that�s what we�ve been told since we were fucking toddlers. Every girl wants to be courted and have a fairytale princess wedding, and if we want to �get� the girl we need to treat them with respect and date them. Guys don�t adapt easily to the idea that there are girls out there who like to exist somewhere between �one night stand� and �happily ever after�, because growing up those are really the only two perspectives we see. And I have to say, the only kinds of people in this world lamer than the ones actively looking for a gf/bf are the ones who say that they actively aren�t. I mean sure, maybe you don�t want to date anyone you know right now, but would you be opposed to dating someone that you, I don�t know, actually liked enough to date them? Actively not looking for a relationship doesn�t make you sound independent or hip. It makes you sound like you have issues with men.

Yes, depending on the situation, a girl who just wants the occasional booty call is a slut, and I�ll tell you why: It�s too fucking easy. For a bro to get with a girl, it takes guile, patience, and the God-given good looks that come with being a bro. For a Betch, it takes a set of tits and a working cell phone. Guys are constantly vying for the attention of girls, making you the selectors. So for a girl to just kind of throw that out the window and bang guys on a whim, it seems kind of lazy to us. That power girls hold is part of what makes you worth pursuing, so when you�re just casually banging guys when you feel like it, any bro worth consideration is like �meh, why bother? She�ll bang anyone�.

Maybe Hoboken is a culture all unto its own. Kind of like West Virginia.


Head Pro

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