Ask a Pro

By The Betches

Dear Head Pro,

I'm your standard college betch living in the city the summer. This past school year I met a bro who was fucking gorgeous, funny, smart and a total selfish asshole. I ended up sleeping with him too soon (unbetchy) and, dare I say it, developed feelings for him but he "didn't want a relationship." To make a long story short, I ended up looking like a total loser and haven't talked to him in months. While I was busy being unbetchy with him, one of his friends tried to get with me but I was too pathetically in love and shit to notice. So now that the first bro is out of the picture, I'm reconsidering the second guy; he's seriously ripped and wants to save orphans and children in Africa when he graduates. Both of them are also living in the city for summer so I know I'll see them around. Am I breaking every code in the book by trying to get with this other guy? It's not like I actually dated his friend, but should a true betch even take that in to consideration or does she just do whatever the hell she wants?


Friendship Wrecking Whore

Dear Friendship Wrecking Whore (your words, not mine),

I don't think you need to worry about breaking up their friendship. You know why he was after you even thought he knew you'd just fucked his friend? The guy you were with probably told him that you were a little clingy but an easy lay. Like it or not, when a girl accepts the invite to go for a ride on your bonercycle it kind of dehumanizes her in a bro's mind. Not consciously or maliciously, but instead of being a girl I was dating or even a girl I was hooking up with for a while, she kind of just becomes this girl I banged. Not even that girl, just a girl.

Odds are the second guy has similar expectations, so unless you want a reputation as a slut that gets passed around I'd avoid it. Besides, what do you want with a guy who wants to help fucking poor people? It's a science fact that AIDS is just, like, transmitted through the air wherever poverty is rampant. If you wanted airborne HIV you could probably just take a day trip to New Jersey.


Head Pro



Dear Pro,

Last fall I started hanging out with this guy a lot; he really opened up to me but I liked talking to him so by winter we were close friends. In January he drunkenly professed his feelings for me at a party, like this guy seriously has no game but who can blame him, I'm pretty awesome. Initially I pussied out and told him I didn't know how I felt since I was still getting over someone (which was partially true) but a few days later, once he was sober, I told him I only saw him as a friend and nothing more.


clingy man


Most normal bros would move on at this point, but I found out from a mutual friend in April -- APRIL! -- that instead of moving on he'd been trying harder to make me like him. To be honest I could kind of tell since he was still annoyingly Nice, would creepily talk about how hot I am (like obviously I already know), and kept changing his profile pics to ones of us...ew. I distanced myself during finals by telling him I had to "study" and didn't talk to him for two weeks while on vaca. But the second I got back he started spamming me with texts and fb messages about how he misses me and whatever.

This is my first close friend I've had to reject so I feel bad when I blow off his attempts to hang out, am unresponsive to his texts, and talk about other guys (my usual "nicer" but passive tactics). It's putting a strain on our friendship and making me hate his needy ways. Call me a nice girl, but I want to stay friends with this guy -- and only friends. I already tried to set him straight once, what should I do now?

Please help! Mad loves,

Friendzoning Betch

Dear Friendzoning Betch,

Guys like this are the reason some loser invented coed service fraternities. I don't really understand these guys. What are they thinking? Hmm, I've been perfectly normal and civil with her, but she still won't sleep with me. Maybe I just need to try being even nicer These guys are everywhere, because somewhere along the line they confused treating women with respect with being a fucking doormat. They're the kind of guys who'll complain about girls always going for assholes and thinks that if they could just see what a great guy he is and how nice he'd treat them that they'd come around and oh my God I'm going to fucking vomit. Him opening up about his feelings to you should have tipped you off from the start. Like, isn't that why they invented booze?

Unfortunately, this guy's not going to come around any time soon. Guys like this have pretty selective hearing, so he'll see any attempt of yours to talk him down as a challenge to try harder. For the time being, the only thing you can do is cut him out and hope that he finds someone else to obsess over. I know you value the friendship, but once he crossed the line how much of a friendship do you even have? When you're entire relationship consists of you constantly trying to moderate his interest, he's more of a parasite than a friend. Do both of yourselves a favor and cut him loose. Listen to the Lionel Ritchie song Hello to get a sense of what you're dealing with.


Head Pro

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