January 6, 2012
Today's Betch of the Week is long overdue, but legendary nevertheless. Every betch-in-training got to know Beyonce when she was getting shagged as Foxxy Cleopatra, in the days when we were dancing like a slut to Destiny's Child. Yes, we were ready for this jelly. No, we still don't know what that means.
But like a true betch, Beyonce broke free from the trio and used the size of her ass and her small waist to rocket herself to superstar fame, which is coincidentally similar to what happened to her character in Dreamgirls (we think?). Also, we're sure having your dad as your manager to kick the fugly girls out of your girl groups and mom as your stylist to make sure you looked better than the others didn't hurt. Anyway, we've been Beyonce loyalists ever since CrayCray in Love came out, and honestly, the Single Ladies dance was a game changer. 'If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it' is like #32 winning in fucking lyrical verse.
She's also such a diva that she's one of the few people that can pull off an accent aigu in her name. Like, sorry Khloé Kardash, it just doesn't work for you.
Speaking of winning, last year she won six Grammys, which is the most Grammys won by a betch in one night. Not to mention she's wifed up to Jay-Z, a man #9 nicknamed after a speedy lane of the highway, so we have to give her props for that catch. She doesn't even have to garner fame by singing sad ballads about loving the way he lies, unlike some people we know.
Let's talk about her pregnancy, which is the real reason why she's Betch of the Week today. Was she even preggo? Regardless of whether she was or wasn't, it's a brilliant PR move, and now she may or may not be a betchy mom. It's still kind of weird that no one knows if she had her kid yet or if it was even her oven where the bun is being held. Either way, who does't love a good secret surrogate speculation?
Beyonc (very hard to #21 abbrev) also shadily has an alter ego named Sasha Fierce, which is kind of intéressante. It seems like a more appropriate name for her huge fucking fro. Whatevs, a true betch knows Beyonce will always be Irreplaceable.