Betch of the Week: Chelsea Handler

By The Betches

"I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around." Chelsea Handler

There is NO ONE betches love more than Chelsea Handler. That's because she embodies everything we aspire to be and more. What's not to love about Chelsea? She has her own late night talk show where she gets to #1 talk shit about celebrities and gets paid for it. She’s written three hysterical books where all she talks about is having sex and being drunk and making fun of her dad. Chelsea tells it like it is. She’s like, really pretty, and she doesn’t give a fuck what anyone thinks about her.... All qualities that the ultimate betch possesses. A job where you get to rehash your blackout nights while making fun of D-List celebrities to their faces!? Sign us the fuck up! Today is Chelsea's 36th birthday and we can honestly say that even though she's old as fuck, there's still no one we'd rather be than her! HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHELSEA!!!

Chelsea books

Now, betches don’t have any issues with people who read books for fun. But while fucking nice girls spend their summers reading Jodi Picoult's My Sister's Keeper while crying alone in their rooms, and our dads read some boring political shit (Side note: as it turns out, Freakonomics is not about some wild #7 BSCB), betches spend their time reading three books: My Horizontal Life, Are You There Vodka, it’s Me, Chelsea! and Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang. We are SOOO excited for May 10th when Lies that Chelsea Told Me is released and we’ll have something to occupy ourselves while we’re tanning by the pool.

Chelsea Handler is like, the funniest betch alive. Pretty much all of her quotes could be related to shit betches love. Here are some of our faves:

"My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for."

"Most men would never tell a girl her Pikachu smells like a crab cake. It's just not done. But they would have no qualms about telling their guy friends. Similarly, if you're a guy and you pull your pants down, and the girl you're with immediately starts text messaging her friends, you have a small penis."

For all these reasons, Chelsea is our Betch of the Week. If you have any suggestions for next week’s favorite betch, feel free to leave a comment or tweet it to us!

Finally, in the spirit of last night’s #11 Jersey Shore post, the only funnier commentary on the show than ours is clearly Chelsea’s.


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