February 3, 2012
Remember the time when we were discussing gretches, grandmothers dressed as betches? No? Well we don't really give a shit, the point is, the time is now. Holy Gretch, if Chelsea Handler can be considered a betch's fun older sister, then Joan Rivers is fucking Mother Teresa, but I'm a cool mom! And while we don't usually give a shit about respecting our elders, every betch should take these next few moments to respect our fav old ass betch, Joan Rivers.
When Joan started she was wayyy ahead of what was appropriate for society. In a time when women belonged in the kitchen, and when openly talking about sex was as obscure as eating anything but pot roast for dinner, Joan walked through the glory gates of Hollywood shouting crude jokes about sluts and vaginas.
This woman is a walking piece of irony: she's the most outgoing woman around, yet loves to talk about how fucking ugly she is. She's even blamed her husband's suicide on herself: My husband killed himself. And it was my fault. We were making love and I took the bag off my head.
For anyone who hasn't seen Joan's documentary on Showtime, it's a must see. The betch has rooms of jokes filed on politics, tramps, homosexuals, men, penises, orgasms, the list goes on. Sure Rosa Parks and like Betty Friedan did a shit ton for women's progress, but Joan, I mean she deserves a fucking Nobel prize for her comedy, or at least a good fuck.
Some great quotes from Joan:
My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Sheila? Why can’t you be like your cousin Sheila?” Sheila had died at birth.
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had the baby. He was there for the birth. It would've been nice if he was there for the conception.
I spit on education. No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
So what if she's 78 and her face doesn't move. She still hasn't had as much plastic surgery as Heidi Montag. All we know is that Joan remains more actively betchy today than most people half her age. She must be thriving on serious betch fuel from all her shit talking on Fashion Police and all the marijuana she's been smoking on Joan and Melissa. Like seriously watch this clip of her, she goes straight from the marijuana clinic to a shady cul-de-sac to hit her bowl, like am I watching myself
in high school yesterday?
So everyone, leave that extra air pocket in your empty hearts for the female comedian who's showed us that saying shit like "crazy glue couldn't keep her legs together" has the ability to make an old unattractive woman go down in history as a heroic betch.