Betch of the Week: Kate Middleton

By The Betches

This week’s Betch of the Week should come as no surprise. Yes betches, we were awake at 5am the other night for the one #2 newsworthy broadcast of the decade, and ever since our first glimpse of Kate Middleton in the most unreal wedding dress EVER, we’ve been obsessed.

We know we throw this term around a lot, but Kate Middleton is THE ultimate betch. Once a “commoner,” Kate went off to college like any other girl and somehow, being the luckiest person in the entire world, found herself the ultimate bro boyfriend. Now it’s just a matter of years until she’s the Queen of fucking England.

kate middleton modelIt must have been hard for William to explain this photo to the Queen.

How did she catch Prince Wills? By dressing like a slut in a fashion show, and probably having some great fucking game.

Cut back to 2007. “Waity Katie” managed to completely circumvent getting a job and avoid all the pains of post-grad betchdom in the way only the finest members of the #17 Lucky Sperm Club can. Minor issue… a Kate and Wills breakup! But Kate played the #16 post breakup betch like a fucking champ, spending her days shopping for shoes and dresses and shit, so the tabloids could comment on how hot she looked when she went out #20 clubbing with other famous bros who just “happened” to be friends with Will! She let the paparazzi snap a few pics of her out partying and loving life, which obvs pissed Will off (jealous prince!), because we all know how the fairy tale ends. She fucking #32 won.

Now Kate gets to live in a palace and generally just chill for the rest of her life as a professional fashion icon. No matter what she does or wears or says, the media buys that shit like it’s the fucking gospel. Designers literally beg her to wear their clothes! They made her into a Barbie! They’ve even named a hairstyle after her, called “The Kate.” Do they really not expect anyone to notice that we’ve all worn this so-called “style” before?

kate and will marriageLook at that jealous betch in the corner.


Oh em geeeeee how do they get her hair to look like that!? It’s called a blow dryer and hot rollers, assholes.

We’re also jealous of Kate because no one will stop talking about how fucking #5 skinny she is. We get it, we’ve all been watching E!, but they’re not even accusing her of having an eating disorder when they mention her 23-inch waist! No American celebrity could dream of such positive press attention, but lucky for Kate, the Brits know how to shut the fuck up and respect royalty. Still, show me a picture of Kate and I’ll suddenly remember why I haven’t eaten in twelve hours.

Also, that engagement ring.

So thank you, Kate Middleton. Aside from being an inspiration to betches all around the world for your beauty and poise, you also gave us an excuse to hang out in #10 Candyland until 7am on a Thursday night.

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