Betch of the Week: Lisa Vanderpump

By The Betches

April 6, 2012

If you pay even minimal attention to our Twitter feed you know we're big supporters of Lisa Vanderpump. If this betch ran for pres, we'd totally donate. But why would she? She's the betchiest housewife of Beverly Hills.

Our choice may seem random because RHOBH isn't in season, so why is this week different from all other weeks? happens to be both Passover and Good Friday (note to Christians: when is Friday not good?) ...but also because Lisa's getting her own show, yay! Betches, get vanderpumped.

lisa vanderpump...And wetness is the essence of beauty

Similar to former BOTW Bethenny, another former BOTW Andy Cohen realized that LVDP was the sensation of RHOBH and anytime a Maloof or a Dana or a Pam so much as appeared, the national reaction was to fast forward the DVR. So Lisa's going to show us what it's like to run her restaurant Sur, aka make penis jokes and act like the fucking boss. To recap or not to recap?

Let's talk about why Lisa is such a BFD. She was in some music videos that our mums told us about from back when people used jukeboxes, but we know her from her breakout role in Mean Girls The Real Housewives. Lisa is the queen bee, the star. Could you imagine the show without her? I can but I'm not trying to watch a weekly showcase of Kyle weeping over Kim's 43rd annual relapse, cut with Adrienne berating Paul for making her lose count of the gold bullion she just received via the Maloof armored car via The Palms vault.

Now Lisa might be the oldest betch on the show but she's somehow still the hottest. She's sooo #5 skinny and even #5 skinnier in person, but her arse is so bloody big that jealous bitches like Kim Kardashian are spreading rumors that it's fake. "Hot" body

But our girl Lis doesn't dominate the show with her ass and little sex monster alone, it's because unlike most of the housewives, she has the one magical thing that a rich husband and a prenup cannot provide, a brain.

She calls it like it is: Should Kim get married again? I don’t know. She’s tried it three times — maybe she’s not much good at it.

She fights like a betch: Weird old guy at the DMV: How many fingers am I holding up? Lisa: Not as many as I’ll be holding up in a minute.

About her gay ex-BFF Cedric: I was very disappointed to see that under all that dynamite, there’s like a two-inch fuse.

She #57 hates girls who are TGF: Camille's dancing was, like... she was really shaking it and moving it. I think all that’s missing was a pole, really.

lisa vanderpump

Taylor was playing with that cotton candy. She was kind of licking it and chewing it. Doing things that I had only read about in books.

She's a friend to the less fortunate: Andy Cohen: Do you have any poor friends? Lisa: Well — you, Andy.

She Not Having Sex With Bros : My husband calls me a sex object. He says every time he wants sex, I object. I say to him, you know what? Christmas and birthdays. And it’s your birthday, not mine; it’s another day off.

She loves #90 high heels, #31 wine, and BJs: Obviously, I made a mistake wearing my Louboutin shoes; I should have worn flats. But flats to me is like a disease.

The thing is with wine tasting, is you don’t swallow — you spit. It kinda goes against everything I’ve ever been taught, really.

Now that she's got a television show and Betch of the Week under her belt, it's safe to say that Lisa Vanderpump has it all, including a husband who embodies what we'll henceforth refer to as "Sean Connery Hot"(SCH). Brandi Glanville would clearly do him but she's wiser than to fook with Lis. Lisa makes the rules, just ask her. I mean, no one associates Lisa with pink anymore, they associate pink with Lisa. Even the mayor of Bev Hills named a day for her, and she's like, not even dead yet...or from this country.

So Bravo on the show LVDP, you should know that though we may be writing a book of our very own, you're the only person we would ever go to an actual book store for.


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