July 5, 2011
As little Betches-in-Training, there was nothing we loved more than new episodes of Full House. But at that age, our focus was not on hot Uncle Jesse. We were busy watching our favorite child character, Michelle Tanner. Pretty much everyone loved the Olsen twins from the moment their nine-month-old selves graced our television sets. Not because they were the youngest actresses ever on TV, (how long did it take you to figure out that two girls played Michelle?) but because they were millionaires at age 18!
Just when you were thinking that these twins must be identical, we've uncovered the glaring difference between them: only one is a true betch. With that, we present to you our favorite Olsen twin, Betch of the Week, Mary-Kate.
Around the time that the heinous (but awesome) movie "New York Minute" came out, Mary-Kate engaged in some hardcore #5 dieting. She even went to rehab! So says the press. We all know she hit up the ultra-luxe rehab center, Cirque Lodge. You know what they're known for? No, not superior AA sponsors and friendship circles. One word. YAYO. Sweet! Since she's also diagnosed with ADHD, Mary-Kate obviously spends her days and nights cavorting through #10 Candyland. Lucky betch!
And who didn’t love her role in Weeds, playing a pot-smoking Jesus lover? Perfect role. Even though she had to make out with Silas Botwin, who looks like a blonde penis, she did a great job. Speaking of MK making out…Sir Ben Kingsley. Betch is a fucking trooper.
Stylish? You bet. So what if she sells her line at Walmart, who gives a fuck? She was making bank at age 13. Yeah, we obvs don’t shop there (and neither does she), but still this isn't even #17 Lucky Sperm, it’s talent! She's known for her outrageous fashion antics, which totes keep her in the spotlight. While most normal humans would think wearing a kaftan to a red carpet is simply wrong, MK pulls it off. Only she could turn looking like a hobo into the hot new trend. We admit that sometimes she goes overboard, but that’s what Ashley is there for. She can always steal Ash's bandage skirt if she ever wants to #42 dress like a slut.
So praise the edgier twin. If you're a true fan, you have a #9 nickname for her, as you are way past a first name basis. You grew up with this girl. You go MK.
Oh shit, the Olsens just became billionaires. Watch out Oprah.