October 7, 2011
So this week’s betch basically has everything she’s ever wanted and then some, but little does she know she’s missing one thing. Sure her name is literally as betchy as they come, with her first name being the chicest city in the world (and a place where Carrie dresses like Cinderella if she had been 50-years-old and a smoker) and last name being a name that just makes you think of vacations. Name aside, this celeb is missing the most important title of her life, and we’re here to give it to her. Today we present you, Betch of the week, Paris Hilton.
Let’s get her most obvious qualities that make her B of the W out of the way. She has a #95 little dog, is a valued member of #17 lucky sperm club, is super #5 skinny, and is related to #87 Kyle Richards. Check.
Now to the fun stuff, Paris’ quality TV shows. Unlike Kim K, no one really remembers Par’s first show, but we do. It was called sex on TMZ. Then she decided it would be fun to drag formerly fat Nicole Richie around some dude ranch scheming ways out of doing work and not #2 keeping up with the news. She was right, it looked fun, and she got paid. Getting paid to do and say stupid shit has never seemed so smart.
Then her second show was based on the aftermath of her little betch brawl with Richie. I mean, Paris obviously won that one. Would you rather get knocked up and be married to a guy who shops for eyeliner with you at Sephora or make a new captivating reality series about yourself and your quest to find new minions?
Like she is so famous that she can literally walk into a television studio and say, I want to make a show where people try to be my bestie but really I will be making fun of them the whole time, and they let her have it. That’s kind of similar to our comment section, where people try to tell us why they’re betchy. Lol.
But seriously, we pride ourselves in being self-centered, but put us next to Paris and we’re like the fucking firefighters of 9/11.
Okay, so her shows are retarded and she’s been to jail. We’re not really down with being in dirty rooms filled with women with butch haircuts. I mean really, love her or hate her the betch has the best job in the fucking world, gets to #42 dress like a slut, and has somehow managed to coin "that's hot" as an actual fucking term that people attribute to her.
In the profound words of Paris, "I don't really think, I just walk." Samesies.