Betch of the Week: Pippa Middleton

By The Betches

It's finally time to honor a betch who most people didn't even know existed until about a year ago. We're talking about a Brit whose rise to fame was so meteoric we almost forgot to make fun of her for being named after a Broadway show.

pippaYou can take a betch out of spring break but you can't take spring break out of a betch.

Of course we're talking about Kate Middleton's younger and possibly hotter sister. She may be gorg but she totally owes it to Kate for marrying into the Royal Family, because to be famous and pull off a name like Philippa, you definitely have to come up with a trendy #9 nickname for yourself and be like, really pretty. Imagine if she looked like Chelsea Clinton, she'd have to work at like, the BBC as a journalist or some shit. Gross.

But while Pippa may not have been born to the #17 Lucky Sperm Club, she seems to be settling into her new membership with ease. Something needs to be said about the fact that when the royal wedding comes up in conversation, as it often is, the only thing people seem to remember is Pippa's ass. Like sorrz Queen Elizabetch but did you really think your fugly yellow hat was going to steal the show?

pippa My name is Phillippa and there's a really weird hat on my head yet I'm still cooler than you.

Even her line of work is up our alley. When she's not being photographed walking down the street holding a new handbag every other day, she spends two days a week "working" for her parents' party company and spends all the other days um, going to parties. She's even getting paid to (have someone else) write a book about parties. There's something to be said for a betch who literally writes the book on partying.

But seriously, the girl could be a deaf and blind zombie and no one would know because the only thing anyone says about her is that she's hot. There are like, actual websites devoted to her ass. She brings literal meaning to the dance teacher in Bring It On's suggestion to 'report those compliments before it gets so big it forms its own website'.

So anyway, congrats to the Middletons for being the first sisters to be honored with Betch of the Week, and a special snaps for Pippa. We can't even pretend like you've done shit because you haven't but that's exactly why we love you. Like every betch knows, as long as you're rich, royal, and hot it's better to have done nothing than something.


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