February 10, 2012
To all you avid Friends' fans who recognize the references we throw in every other post, this week's betch is for you. The 90s was a weird time, and the one thing that got us through shit like the Y2K scare was the best show on TV, where we got to know 30 year old boys, sarcastic nerds, flosers, formerly fat neat freaks, homeless hippies, and amazing betches like the one and only Rachel Green.
Why is Rachel Green betch of the week this week of all weeks? Because it's time to honor the role that got JenAn famous enough for Brad to love her for a hot sec. Sure there were 6 main characters but everyone knows there would be no Friends if Rachel hadn't crashed Central Perk wearing a veil that looked like a piece of chiffon stapled to a fucking garter.
Of all the friends, Rachel is obviously betchiest because Phoebe is a freak and Monica used to be fat. Rachel was the most popular girl in high school, despite the existence of the I Hate Rachel Green Club which started a rumor about her being born with a vagina and a penis. She's sorry that she's so popular but it's not her fault that people are so jealous of her.
Rachel's the only girl to have made out with all of the guys in the group. Yes she hooksed with Chandler in HS and he hit on her in the flashback of 93. We're obsessed, get over it. Her family is extremely rich and her sisters are played by Xtina Applegate and former BOTW Reese Witherspoon. Can it get better than that? Oh wait, yes it can. She has a job in fashion, all men love her, especially white haired baristas, got to hook up with Bruce Willis, stole Monica's thunder, can't cook, doesn't care enough to know what Chandler does, and got Ross's girlfriend to shave her head. Does it?
But what is Rachel without Ross and Rachel. Ah the love affair of the decade, just in case you needed more evidence of the myth that is #50 guy friends. The only thing that kind of sucks about this is that Ross is so fucking annoying and debatably gay. Don't get us wrong, he's hysterical, but he impregnated a lesbian and gets turned on by rare species of pterodactyls...like Ross, really?
Ross: Monica is right, marriage is a very serious thing, you shouldn't just rush into it! Rachel: Oh what do you know, you married a lesbian!
Rachel: You can either go or help me. Ross: Okay, I'll go. Rachel: Okay, but before you go, can you help me?
Rachel: We'd like to order a large pizza. Ross: No anchovies. Rachel: With extra anchovies. Ross: That's all right; I'll just pick 'em off. Rachel: And could you please chop some up and put them right there in the sauce?
Some of our other favorite moments were when she would call Joshua, JOSH-UA, when she wouldn't go to Ross's event thing because she was "catching up on her correspondence," and when she fogged the yeti. Ugh what an amazing betch.
Last but not least, let's discuss the hair-do of the century, The Rachel. We don't understand why this haircut took the female world by storm because it looked like a poorly layered mullet. Even Jennifer Aniston has said that she hated it, but they forced her to wear it, and people even copied it! I mean if that's not love I don't know what is.
So betches, next time you watch friends, imagine a betches' recap, because you know that Rachel Green would win every time. Ahhhh salmon skin roll.
Oh and let us settle something for you: They were on a break.