September 22, 2011
So we might be a little late on the train here, sorry we’re too busy talking shit and writing about it , but apparently Reese Witherspoon was hit by a car. We love Reese, and because betches don’t really have any real feelings, we’re giving her Betch of the Week in order to negate the jokes we’re about to inevitably make.
Now betches, this is not an excuse to start throwing yourself in front of cars and then emailing us about it later in hopes of becoming betch of the week (it's been tried before), Reese has long deserved this betchy title.
The most obvious of her accomplishments is her perfectly non-aging face. Ever see her in that retarded movie with Rob Pattinson? It was like Elle Woods lost 20 lbs and replaced Bruiser for an enlarged circus elephant.
Speaking of Legally Blonde, one of our favs, Reese can totally carry any movie. In spite of the fact that her character reeked of nauseating nice girl in Cruel Intentions, she totally had a rich bro whipped, tried really hard to #8 not fuck Sebastian and eventually he died so it was like negated anyway. Whoops.
This betch not only won over Ryan Phillippe on screen but in life. It can’t even be debated that she dates the hottest men while never losing. Even though Sebastian cheated on her, she moved onto the even sexier Gyllenhaal. Meanwhile, Sebastian has to deal with some unwanted baby daddy drama and hasn't been in cast in a movie since the invention of the Blackberry. Talk about losing hard.
If we were older we’d totally be jealous of her life. She has such cute kids (vom), a pro husband, and a French bulldog with a taste for pearls. It’s so fucking hysterical the way her relationships panned out. Look at me I’m dating Jake Gyllenhaal Oh wait he’s kind of young let me wait for something better okay I’ll marry you hot motherfucking agent. Ew Taylor Switft? Really Jake? Reese makes #32 winning look effortless.
Reese is so cute we even love her fucking shitty ass movies like Sweet Home Alabama and Four Christmases. She's really the only person who can be described as nauseatingly adorable.
So, Reese, we hear 84 year-old women drive like, really fast. Honestly, you must be doing a great job on your #5 diet to have actually fallen down when a bitch this old tapped you with her car. The only explanation we have for why the grandma would have ever intentionally hit you is that she’s like really fed up with your only fucking annoying trait, your chin. Or, she's trying to create a real life alternative ending to Election.
Cause you don't wanna miss a thing