May 11, 2012
"Who am I? I'm Kelly Kapoor, the business betch."
This week’s betch of the week is no stranger to winning awards. Back in 2002 she won the Spicy Curry award, which some say is the most prestigious award of the Dundies. Then in 2010, she won the Sabre minority executive training program “print in all colors” position. And now in 2012 she's receiving her greatest honor to date, Betch of the Week.
This self-proclaimed ‘business bitch” has it going on. Sure she’s completely delusional, but aside from this Kelly epitomizes betchiness in every way...other than the fact that she works for a paper company in Scranton Pennsylvania and could stand to lose like, 10 pounds. Let’s give it up for our favorite funny Indian and the wonderful saris she’s sported throughout the years: Kelly Kapoor.
When she’s not arranging fashion shows at lunch and doing her thing on the party planning committee, Kelly is stalking the shit out of Ryan and #1 talking shit about her coworkers. I don't talk shit I talk smack. Her betchiness speaks for itself so instead of explaining it to you we’re just going to entertain you with Kelly’s stance on the following important issues.
Kelly: Jim!!! Oh my god, I have so much to tell you. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had a baby, and they named it Suri! And Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie also had a baby, and they named is Shiloh! And both babies are amaziiiing! Jim: Wow, so, uh, what's new with you? Kelly: I just told you.
Kelly: This girl was really rude to me at the mall, so I created a fake IM account from a hot guy at her high school, and now I'm trying to make her anorexic. Ryan: Tell her everyone in homeroom thinks she's fat. Kelly: That is so good. On #25 Betch Arch Nemeses:
I love rivalries. Michael or Jim. Paris or Nicole. Heidi or LC. It's so much fun. But, I guess if I'm really thinking about it and answering your question honestly, I'd have to go with LC. Heidi's a bad friend. And her skin, is terrible.
On pop culture:
Kelly: I never thought of myself as an executive before. Dwight: I know, because you have no role models! How many Indian CEOs can you think of? Kelly: I can't think of any CEOs. Any race. Dwight: You could be the Indian Bill Gates. You could be the Indian... Ted Turner. Kelly: I could be the Indian Julia Roberts.
My birthday was yesterday, and everybody forgot. I got really dressed up and excited, and no one said a word. There wasn't even a party. I think sometimes people are really mean to the hot, popular girl.
On #5 Diets:
I swallowed a tapeworm last night. It's going to grow up to three feet inside of me and then it eats all my food so that I don't get fat. And then after three months I take some medicine and then I pass it. Creed sold it to me. It's from Mexico.
On #32 Winning (or not):
Darryl Philbin is the most complicated man that I have ever met. I mean, who says exactly what they're thinking? What kind of game is that?
On #83 Sisters:
I never really thought about death until Princess Diana died. That was the saddest funeral ever. That and my sister's.
So give it up for our most ethnic betch of the week to date, a girl who makes #36 not doing work look so easy. And congratulations to Mindy Kaling aka the betch who like invented Kelly, on getting her own show called It's Messy. We'll just assume she's referring to her fake pregnancy.