89. The Back Burner Bro

By The Betches

As previously discussed, betches pretty much always have their pick of guys to date, ignore, or have sex with. Be this your #18 VIP, #53 SAB of the moment, or #62 pro many of these ‘men’ vie for your affection and bring a different kind of mind game to the table. What if, however, you know that a guy likes you, and everything in you tells you that you should like him, but for some reason, he’s just not hitting the spot?

Enter the Back Burner Bro. The Back Burner Bro is the guy who's similar to most guys in that he's very into you.

He's not exactly a #33 nice guy, nor is he ever mean to you, but for some reason you're just not that into him. Maybe he's like Ryan Seacrest. He's attractive, but you're not physically attracted to him. Or maybe he's like Donald Trump, too good on paper to throw away. But like, ehhh Donald Trump.


ryan seacrestMaybe it's because he wears shirts like this


Most of the time you can't really explain what's wrong with him, maybe there isn't anything wrong with him. In theory you should like him, so there’s really no reason to ignore him or be like, really mean to him.

He's the kind of guy that you don’t want to get involved with one-on-one. You might want to meet out at a bar or #20 club with his friends, if only so you could drink at his table. Maybe if you were drunk and/or bored enough, you'd hook up with him.

He’s also the guy you text when you’re in the mood to hear flattering shit about yourself and are on temporary hiatus from wanting an SAB to call you out on your bitchiness. He's the Kevin Connolly to Scarlett Johansson in He's Just Not That Into You.

He's the guy who, if you were 35 and for some pathetic reason, still single, you'd just marry him. If he was making enough money.

The BBB is the guy you went on the second date with, just to see if maybe something was just off the first time. By the end of the second date, you’ve made out with him and realize you have no desire to do this sober again.

Like Robert Frost Britney Spears once said, you are at a crossroads. Rejecting him for a third date would be like throwing out those killer shoes that aren’t really in anymore and you’ll probably never wear again. You just can’t bring yourself to do it because there’s this part of you that’s convinced you might one day wear them. Fat chance.


He's just not that into youE: "I think you're funny, sexy, smart, and cute" Scarlett: "I think you're just okay"


But BBBs are key in the #32 game. This is because one girl's BBB is another girl's SAB. Sure he’s like, in love with you, but to some other girl that he has lukewarm feelings towards, he’s just the asshole she’s looking for. It always makes for a solid love triangle since your BBB can always be used to make your SAB jealous. This works the other way too. Like if you see your BBB with another girl this might make you more into him, even if he's her SAB.

So betches, if we knew anything about sports we’d probably say that back burner bros are like the alternates for when your star MVP VIPs are out of commission (read: acting especially shady). Remember not to settle though. Betches always get the best and most desirable accessories and it’s pretty much a fact of life that if something’s free and easy, it usually fucking sucks.


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