November 20, 2011
As a classy betch, chances are you have no problem maintaining the appearance of poise and class. However, along with not giving a shit what people think about you often comes a certain bending of societal norms and rules. I mean, following the rules is for poor people and teachers' pets. In general, those who follow the rules most strictly are the most boring. Ever seen the girl who was the bus safety or hall monitor? It’s a surefire way to end up friendless and fugly. Fuck that. Much like Larry David, betches have their own unwritten rules of society. With that we introduce a betch’s favorite form of conduct: being inappropriate.
How are betches inappropriate? We talk and act in ways that only people this fabulous and hot can get away with. Let’s explore some examples of betchy inappropriateness.
Loudly talking about your pregnancy scare while telling riveting tales of getting fucked on the rooftop of your hotel last weekend to your besties, while dining out & sitting next to a family with two small children under the age of five. No probz. You’re doing those prudes a favor by letting them in on your amazing and scandy life. Spending $100 on an eyebrow wax while your income from your PR job is $30,000 a year. It’s called priorities, betch, and you should tell your dad to get some.
Dropping in "duh" any chance you can get in professional situations. Like during an interview: "My weaknesses? Free shipping deals and online sales. Um duh." If by the slight chance you don't get hired, your interviewer was obviously a geeky loser who just doesn't get it. You and that job just didn't mesh well, your parents will totally understand.
Meeting your parents for brunch dressed in your cut-out dress from last night and hooker heels. If dressing like this doesn’t make me feel uncomfortable, I’m sure as fuck not going to change to ease your minds.
Getting several notifications that you're going to be evicted from your #3 abroad apartment for smoking pot. How is it okay for your old Spanish ass to smoke cigarettes in restaurants but I can't light a joint in the privacy of my own bedroom?
Dressing like a slut while attending church or temple with the gparents. Conveniently, the only people telling you that you’re dressed inappropriately can be labeled pedophiliac priests and prude rabbis. Tell them you’re channeling your inner Mary Magdalene.
Telling HR you were sexually harassed to get out of attending a seminar on sexual harassment. It's just like, so hard to work here and be so hot at the same time.
Spilling your drink on various ugly girls who have pissed you off throughout the semester during #40 formal. It’s not my fault your head got in the way of my vodka soda…maybe next time you’ll think twice before wearing ruffles.
Offering your building security guard drugs and alcohol in exchange for not filing a noise complaint. Blasting house music at 4 in the morning isn't "noise," it's the harmonious sound of beautiful people fulfilling their life's purpose. Coming to work and leaving early because you're 'sick' every single Friday. You expect me to be productive with this hangover? You clearly suck at managing people.
Although betches do what they want and betch wannabes always follow suit, sadly we live in a world where the rules are made up by annoying, fun-sucking virgins. Sometimes we have to be subtle with our blatant disregard for societal appropriateness. But remember that every time you drop the F-bomb in front of your professor or tell your cousin that her new baby will be gorg after her first nose job, you're scoring points for betches everywhere.
So, as some famous historical betch once said “
Well-behaved nice girls rarely make history, and were totes the duds of their bestie groups." You think Rosa Parks gave a shit about societal norms of respect and subordination? No, that betch hiked up her skirt, sat her ass down, and told that fucking poor loser bus driver to go fuck himself.