131. Being Sick

By The Betches

December 21, 2011

So it's Decembetch and along with being the betchiest month, it's also a prime month for gross illnesses like the flu and winter coughs. Whether the bro you've been hooking up with pretended not to have bronchitis in order to #8 fuck you, or your 5-night a week partying and drug habit has finally caught up with you, one morning you wake up and realize you're nauseous. And this time it has nothing to do with your acne-ridden nice girl coworker's disgusting new sweater.

Betch, you're sick.


sick note


In most normal corners of betch-hating society, being sick is frowned upon by our parents, doctors and Asians who wear surgical masks in public. But we're here to let you in on the best-kept secret in America. The fact is that any true betch has carefully calculated the merits of feeling like shit and has reasoned that being sick is not THAT bad. (No, we're not talking about serious or life-threatening illnesses, see ya lataz psycho commenters).

Let's delve into why betches love this weakened immune system.

- Sure it's harder to work out when you're sweating profusely from merely lying down, but a cough is a great natural ab workout. Who needs planks when you've got Mono?

- Being sick is a great excuse to not eat or vomit in a semi-healthy way. Now you can't call me anorexic, my medication just curbs my appetite bitch! You should be so lucky as to develop my tapeworm.

- You can't hook up, but as long as you strategically omit that fact while being "too busy" to hang out with a bro who's texting you. Winning never felt so easy. Your text might say, "I can't tonight, raincheck?" But your body is saying, "I can't tonight, I will definitely puke all over the check."


friendsAre you saying you don't wanna get..with..this?


- Besides the obvious sick days from #36 work, a simple note to your professor or boss about the intensity of your vom sessions and the unbearable pain insures that you won't have to work until long after the pain subsides. Which can be like, however long you fucking want because, "I can't do anything, ::cough cough:: I'm sick" ...boo you whore.

- Mom, I really want...cough...need...some new sweaters, I feel so cold right now.

- It's also a good excuse to get your roommates and boyfriend to do shit for you. It would be cruel to make you get the door for the delivery guy when you've had a cough for like, 6 hours.

- Being sick gives you another chance to #112 talk about yourself or #80 bitch about your illness and why you're such a trooper, or why you have like, the worst luck (oh no not right before #40 formal!), and others will feel bad for you when normally they're really jealous of you.

- Finally, multiple trips to #10 Candyland are encouraged. Ty-Ty PM for the straight-edge betch, Vicodin and Xanax for the more experienced Pulco betches.

So betches, cherish those moments of being sick for yet another excuse to make it all about number 1, and remember, chicken soup is for fat girls and people with souls.

<< #130 Driving Like a Fucking Idiot

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